By Brian Strothman

Son, it’s time to go to bed.

You want to hear the story one more time? Ok, here goes:

Once Upon a Time, there was a princess. She was a happy princess, and hers was a happy kingdom. She had but two worries: the first, that she would be fifteen in only five short months and her father had not yet found a suitable husband for her; and the second, that her parents were somewhat (in her opinion) overprotective. Because of their restrictions, she had never left the castle grounds unless in a carriage accompanied by a dozen men.

One day, during her daily walk around the garden, which she found helped clear her mind greatly so she could focus on learning the skills she would need in her future as the wife of a noble (she had a younger brother, you see, which in those times meant she could not be destined for the throne), she came upon a frog. This would not normally be an odd occurrence, but in this case, the frog looked her dead in the eyes, and she, for a moment, thought that it knew what was in her heart. The frog cleared its throat (a very strange thing for a frog to do, even back in this day) and said “Excuse me, madam, but I am in need of some assistance.”

The princess was startled by this – she had never spoken with a frog before – but after a moment, she regained her composure and said, “what, Mister frog, could you possibly need from me?” The frog said to her, “You see, madam, an ancient being of great power has transformed me from my true form, that of a handsome prince, into this one. To taunt me, he assigned me the Herculean task of getting a kiss from the most beautiful woman in the land. In every town and swamp I visited, they directed me here, to speak with you,” – you see, although the princess was honestly not that good looking, her reclusiveness and wealth led to rumors flying throughout the kingdom of her beauty – “Would you be so kind?”

The princess, perhaps overly trusting, considered for a moment, then remembered the prophecy that had been spoken at her birth – if she were to kiss a man her father had not chosen, the moral fabric of the world would come undone. She politely refused, and moved on.

Several weeks later, the princess decided she had had enough of her parents, and snuck out by night, convincing the castle guards to let her out quietly. She had not even gone a mile before she was set upon by bandits (women in those times were not often seen out at night, you see, and were seen as easy targets). Before the vagabonds could reach her, a small shape flew from the trees to strike assailant after assailant in the face, and the bandits took several steps back as a frog landed at her side. “Princess”, said the frog (it’s the same talking frog from before, you see) “All you need do is kiss me. I am very skilled in combat, and I can easily defeat these bandits.” The princess was still unsure, but the frog said, “Princess, if you aid me, I will ensure that you know nothing but wealth and comfort for the remainder of your natural life – which, I remind you, will be only a few fleeting moments if you do not.” The princess picked up the frog and kissed its back, then was soon forced to drop it as it quickly grew hotter and more massive in her hand. It grew to four, then five, then six feet, then continued to grow. 

As the Prince that used to be the frog reached ten feet, the smell of brimstone filled the night air, and his form was for a moment dreadfully illuminated by a light that did not come from the moon. “I am Beelzebub, Prince of Demons,” he bellowed, “Look upon my forme, ye mortals, and know terror.” With a wave of his hand, the transfixed bandits turned to dust before him. He turned to face the princess who had saved him, but she lay on the ground, dead of shock and terror (she had, as I said, never left the castle grounds, so her already womanly constitution had not been strengthened by hardship). Beelzebub felt that this was unfortunate, but that he had technically kept his promise. 

He moved quickly to the castle, where he deposed the good King and began a reign of darkness that has cast the world into sin for the past millennium. He has hunted down nearly all of the Warriors of Christ, and his servants fill nearly all of the powerful posts in today’s degenerate society. The only person of any real power who remains pure is Wolf Blitzer. He cannot reveal this, of course, but he sends us coded messages in his “news” reports. That’s why Daddy can recite his 2016 election coverage by heart.

Hmm? No, kiddo, you can’t go play with the kids outside tomorrow. Although they might have been born pure as Christ ensures all children are, they’ve grown up with parents who are servants of Beelzebub, and will expose you to moral filth like gambling and professional sports.

You’ll be able to meet other children soon – Mr. Blitzer has told Daddy in code that the Lord will soon send a second flood to cleanse the earth of its depravity, and that all true believers (that’s us!) will have a spot on the Ark.

Alright kiddo, it’s time for bed, ready? Ok, lights out in 3… 2… 1! I love you, and God loves you, goodnight!