MEDFORD, MA- While students are still reeling from the news that Tufts University will implement a tiered housing system this year, the school administration recently dropped another bombshell announcement: construction will soon break ground to provide CoHo residents with their very own underground bunkers in preparation for inevitable nuclear armageddon.

“The wood frame houses come with many amenities,” a representative from Residential Life explained. “Now, in addition to single rooms and full kitchens, students living at CoHo will have access to fallout shelters.” 

The bunkers will come equipped with everything necessary to survive in a post-apocalyptic nuclear hellscape: canned food, machetes, jigsaw puzzles with one piece missing, copies of the Girl Scout Handbook, flamethrowers, and coupons for 25% off Tufts Bookstore spirit wear (specially marked items only, no refunds, offer expires 1/1/1999). Additionally, next weekend there will be a “bunker decoration” sale on the patio outside the bookstore. Students can make their fallout shelters feel like home by purchasing cacti plants, water filtration dispensers, and posters depicting scenes from popular movies such as Pulp Fiction.

“The Medford-Somerville area might go full Mad Max after a catastrophic nuclear emergency,” the ResLife representative went on to say. “But Tufts students will be safe and sound in their cozy bunkers, ready to take on the challenge of becoming warlords of the remains of civilization.” 

While the university does plan to use a bed optimization strategy, the fallout shelters will unfortunately not be able to hold every member of the student body. In event of a missile warning, students in lower-tier and off-campus housing are encouraged to to hide in their lead-lined microfridges, like Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, or to simply crouch under their desks and hope for the best.