Earlier this month, the administration unveiled an innovative plan to compensate for staff shortages caused by the unprecedented size of the Class of 2022. 

“Rather than hire costly human workers, our new staff pool will be exclusively made up of bees,” said Vice President for Finance and Treasurer, Thomas C. McGurty. “Some of our dining workers make as much as $11 an hour, it’s ridiculous. With the meager cost of tuition, we can only budget so much to superfluous financial drains like paying our employees and feeding our students.”

Tufts has already taken notable steps forward with “Plan Bee.” On Oct. 15, the University officially purchased two hundred thousand genetically enhanced bees from Bee Co., a company founded by Tufts alum Anthony Scaramucci. 

The majority of these bees are currently employed across the on-campus dining centers, but a sizable subsection has also been diverted to work in custodial services and the admissions office. Since eating bees is not kosher, the only workplace on-campus unexposed to these revolutionary laborers is Pax et Lox Glatt Kosher Deli.

“After my illustrious time at the White House came to an end, I didn’t know how to go on,” said the Mooch, “But, while footslogging across the wilds of my private island in the Bahamas, I was struck by a glorious fever dream of a new and beatific future for all of man, and bee, kind.”

Although the Mooch’s bees lack arms and similar fundamental abilities requisite to success in the workforce they are entirely self-sufficient. Beehives can be readily housed in dorms so that students living in singles will no longer face a constant vacuum of loneliness. 

In addition, bee workers only require compensation in the form of artificially colored, artisanal hydrangeas and occasional samplings of human flesh. According to Bee Co. representative Gerald Djürkfund, the bees will gain humanoid forms through this diet, adding even more skill and efficiency to their labor. 

 “Plan Bee” is expected to save administration an average of $200,000 annually. In conjunction with requiring no health care, wages, or administrative support of any kind, bee workers have actively discouraged student use of Tufts resources. As such, the university is spending far less on food, housing, and other basic inessentials

Junior Leloni Nobe noted that the recent influx of bee professors has revolutionized her academic experience: “I’m an auditory learner, but Professor Beeman only communicates through dance and pheromones. It makes taking notes a hellscape,” said Nobe “On the upside, I still have a ‘B.’”

According to a recent survey by the Tufts Daily, 87.4 percent of students on meal plans now exclusively eat off-campus thanks to the influence of bee workers.

“I just kept accidentally biting into bees,” said freshman Carole Wong, “and all that Dewick serves now is honey and honey by-products anyway.”

According to Wong, her bee roommates have also kept her from sleeping at night, encouraging her to study more than ever. 

“I don’t feel safe in my room,” Wong explained “I tried to request a housing change but the housing department is run by bees now. We’ve started having to clean the dorm restrooms after the janitors come in because the bee janitors leave pollen everywhere.” 

The only potential downside to “Plan Bee” is the bees’ plans to unionize. 

“We simply can’t have workers uniting like that,” said Tufts President Tony Monaco, “before we know it they’ll be requesting things like wages and basic rights. We don’t even give those to our human employees.”