Features

Twenty-First Century Catfishing

by H.C. Carr
  • Saying you’re proficient in Excel … because you’ve used Google Sheets once.
  • Calling yourself a “theater kid” … but your favorite show is Hamilton.
  • Saying you’re vegetarian … but you inhale chicken nuggets when you’re drunk.
  • Saying you basically went to an Ivy League-caliber school … but you went to Tufts.
  • Calling yourself an athlete … but you had one season of high school track and field.
  • Telling everyone you’re cultured … but your beverage of choice is Burnett’s Pink Lemonade Vodka.
  • Saying you’re liberal … but fiscally conservative.
  • Telling your hookup you don’t have a cold… because you have the flu.
  • Saying you love film … but you’ve seen Call Me By Your Name.
  • Your dog using pictures of you
  • Saying your roofing contractor never used a safety harness.
  • Saying you’re a roofing contractor … but you’re not sure what a shingle is!
  • Saying you’re a roofing contractor… but you don’t have an OSHA-compliant spotter when working on heights exceeding 35’!
  • Saying you’re a paint contractor… but you don’t know a putty knife from a scraper.
  • Bragging about your huge poops… but you’ve never defecated.
  • Saying you’re catfishing them… and you are.
  • Saying you roll your own cigarettes… but you only smoke spliffs
  • Saying you sell doobies… but they are jazz cigarettes
  • Saying you are eating lobster… but you are only eating monkfish, the poor man’s lobster
  • Saying you went to Prague… but it was actually Birthright Israel
  • Saying you went on Birthright Israel… but it was Quebec.
  • Saying you went to Quebec for the weekend… but it was Worcester, MA.
  • Saying you’re a hardcore gamer… you haven’t beaten Yoshi’s Wooly World.
  • Calling yourself an anime fan… but you’ve never even seen Jimmy Neutron.
  • Saying you are online… but you’re offline.
  • Saying you’re gonna write a list called Almost Catfishing… but you only do a little.
  • Saying you’re going to Cromp… but Bongo Snap.