In this small article, I shall explain the major clues proving that Carrie Fisher is very much alive. Right off the bat, in a 1997 speech, Carrie Fisher said “I cAn be Myself becAuse i am aLIVE” (HGTV). As I have pointed out, she clearly puts in subtext the phrase ‘I AM ALIVE’ for her most avid fans, such as myself, to unearth. But now we dig further, tunneling deeper and deeper into the forbidden, juicy, delectable information.

Information. Information. Information. I add another significant piece of evidence to my case: In the newest movie The Last Jedi, we believe Carrie Fisher’s character Princess Leia to be dead for a moment, but then she majestically flies back to the ship. This quite clearly symbolizes Carrie Fisher’s return in the near future, possibly by a dramatic entrance in an aircraft of some sort. But of course, with current politicals and economicallies, she may be unable to obtain such an aircraft.

Next, I have the most important clue that has yet to be uncovered by any other researcher: Meryl Streep plays the role of Carrie Fisher in the film adaptation of Carrie Fisher’s autobiography Postcards From the Edge. Streep also stars in the movie The Devil Wears Prada with Anne Hathaway. ANNE HATHAWAY. Anne Hathaway is in the movie The Dark Knight Rises. RISES. The opportunity for Carrie Fisher to come back aRISES at some point in the future.

All of these clues so far have been second-hand, third-hand, seventh-hand sources. Hands. And hands. And hands. Next I will gift to you my own hand experience.

Now, listen closely, because the story you are about to be told is all true: I was on Tinder swiping right on everyone, when the girl of my dreams matched with me. She was obviously a Carrie Fisher fanatic, as her name was simply Carrie Cat Fisher. As everyone who has met me knows, I love going out on a boat with a fishing rod and hooking a few catfish. It’s all I can talk about other than Carrie Fisher.

As we chatted over Tinder, I realized that we had a lot in common, and so logically I asked her on a date to the local Star Wars themed restaurant. This place is beautiful and amazing. The only problem is that because they did not want to be sued by the Star Wars franchise, the owners only decorated by putting those glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Not many people even realize that the restaurant is supposed to be themed.

Carrie Cat Fisher strategically did not attend the meet-up because she was afraid. I was so stupid and oblivious. Obviously, Carrie Cat Fisher is the REAL Carrie Fisher, wanting someone who understands Star Wars just as she does, in all its depths and crevices. I idiotically chose a place in which everyone would recognize her.

So Carrie Fisher, this is an apology, which you can read more about in my 523-page book called Carrie Fisher: Alive, and Also, Not Dead. Carrie, you decided you were ready to reveal yourself to this world once more, but I pushed you back. I put too much pressure on you. I have one request for you but only when you are ready, as the band Player once sang: “Baby Come Back.”