The Tufts Quidditch team was riding a hot streak into last weekend after a decisive victory over the Bowdoin Fascists, and a close win over the Amherst Knickerbockers. The Amherst game was a thriller that was only decided after Tufts snitch-catcher Washington Oregonia caught the golden snitch to break a tie.However, the Jumbos were quickly humbled on Saturday by the Hogwarts Snapes, who beat them 105-3. Hogwarts Senior Captain Thelo-nious Predonious led Hogwarts with 32 points,and Hutilius Pola added 27, with 2 snitch catches. Longtime Hogwarts quidditch coach Madam Hooch said after the game, “I thought that we played well, but we could have used our magical powers to advantage a little better than we did. We have some talented kids,but they need to learn their explelliarmises, abra-ca-platyupus’s and tqwertyuiops a bit better.” Many former Hogwarts alumni were in attendance, such as the former quidditch star Harry “The Chosen One “ Potter, as well as Gandalf the Great. Mr. Potter could be seen signing autographs for fans while drinking a water bottle that was strangely labeled “Mango Rubinoff.”

Tufts Quidditch captain Andrew Bell was asked after the game what he thought the key to the game was for Hogwarts, and he answered, “Well, it’s not easy to play actual wizards. I tip my cap to Hogwarts; they flew faster than us, used better magic spells, and out played us overall.” Tufts Coach Muggle McGriffin agreed with Bell, saying “We just really didn’t have an answer for their magic spells. We prepared for it all week by watching marathons of Harry Potter movies, studying patterns in all of the Harry Potter books, and randomly waving wands at each other wherever we went. But we can’t just simulate this in practice. We need to get more experience under our belt playing teams that actually know how to use magic.” Bell agreed, saying “I thought that drinking to the point of getting myself TEMS’d was great practice for the effects of their spells, but it turned out I was wrong. If we face another team with the magical skill of Hogwarts, this time I will practice by having a shitload of hallucinogens. Maybe that will be more effective.

With the loss, Tufts is now 7-3, and remains tied for 2nd in the NESCAC. Hogwarts is the#3 ranked team in the NCAA Division Wizards, behind only The University of the Dark Arts, and Yale.