Once upon a time there was a lonely old man who only had one tooth. His tooth could talk and it told him it was lonely, so he decided to become an evil tooth warlock who rips the teeth from children’s mouths without paying them for the goods. The old man tried to remove the tooth, but suddenly…a sound, the sound of drums came booming from the deep. It was Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States, coming to claim what was rightfully his. Jefferson Davis looked the pitiful one-toothed man in the eye and hissed, “No goddamn member of my union gon’ have jacked up dental health.” The unicorn blinked and began to cry, so Jefferson Davis unbuckled his belt. Jefferson Davis approached the unicorn slowly, and another shadowy figure came into view behind the unicorn. It was…Harriet Tubman. She slowly stripped off her shawl, followed by her blouse. Sex happened therewith. Frederick Douglass, masquerading as a female mate for the horned horse, caught the two in the act, gasped, and quickly wired Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar II that the war was over. Davis called to his trusty sidekick, Stonewall “The Bone” Jackson, to help him put his pants back on. A fissure splits the ground and The Bone’s figure arises slowly, moving as if standing on an elevator. The Bone reaches into his pocket and retrieves and empties a bag heavy with left molars. The lonely old man’s jaw drops. From a distance, on a grassy knoll, Thaddeus Stevens emptied an igneous pleasure into his trousers.