Aries

Go to the Museum of Artificial History today! Don’t miss out on their new exhibit “When Hulk Hogan was President: A Retrospective.” Buy two tickets and you’ll receive an official “Policyamania” bandana, directly from the Hogan Gift Shop.

Taurus

You got food poisoning from room service! We deeply apologize and will send a gift basket of edible thongs and horse shampoo for your intimate stay here. Yeah, we saw you come out of your room with a lady and we approve, even if she didn’t have a wedding ring and you did!

Gemini

No, I’m very sorry, we do not have any more umbrellas. I guess you can use a box from the kitchen?

Cancer

You’re in luck! We have one more ticket to the 16th annual Yogurt Dip and Twizzler Slap Fair. Bring your kids and don’t forget floaties for their swim in the Greek gunk pool!

Leo

We can wash that shirt for you if you would like. I will warn you though, we have no way of taking out coffee stains. By the way, do you have a Prince Albert piercing? Really? Huh.

Virgo

BED BUG ALERT: The maids were sniffing your sheets and they got bit by those beddy buggers. We need to send a bomb squad to the room immediately and blow them crawlers out of the sky. We’ll slide the bill under the door.

Sagittarius

This is your wake up call. Get up. Either get out of bed, or stay there feeling sorry for yourself that your relationship with your brother is strained and that there is no way for you to try to impress him with your career in journalism or buying him liquor. He’s fifteen and even when he’s older, he’ll never care about your boring existence. Complimentary complimentary breakfast is in the lobby.

Capricorn

You’ll have a great flight home. You’ll fall asleep on the plane and have a wet dream about your 5th grade teacher and wake up with bone gravy all over your seatbelt. Buckle up! Turbulence is shooting that goo all over your multimedia seat and on my hand, because I’m leaving with you. And I don’t care about a lil’ goo when I’m in love.

Aquarius

Slurpee-Man is gonna be at your hotel room door. Protect yourself with a bag of Mint Ranch Combos or he’ll stick a spoon-straw in your eyeball and slurp it right up. It will taste like White Cherry.

Pisces

Don’t go to the lobby bar tonight. Governor Grover Grumdumbling is staying the night for a Butter and Lard Yard Sale at the convention center and he needs to prepare himself with a hundred Curacaos on the rocks. Blue blooded boy!

Libra

I can get you a taxi right now. Actually, I’m on my break right now, I’ll drive you. Do you like to “party”? We can swing by my cousin Ronny’s place and get peaked on poppers and watch “Ken Burn’s Civil War”.

Scorpio

Uh, ma’am, I wanted to call you and say that we have reviewed your bill and saw that you ordered “Superhero Movie” over thirteen times on your television, an outrageous baker’s dozen of Drake Bell. Oh, that isn’t a mistake? Okay, sorry for the inconvenience.