In today’s gluten-obsessed world, we’re always looking for the next “big yeast” to burn or the next crazy wheat trend. But bread isn’t just for the bourgeoisie anymore!

After all those long days fighting off swollen gums or omnivorous train passengers, the best thing anyone can do is unwind by baking yourself a fine young loaf of bread. In between the hours you spend home brewing and commanding that textile factory you run out of your loft, you need a quick and dirty guide to baking that perf loaf hassle-free! This how to-guide shows you exactly HOW TO (haha get it?).

Step 1: The preparation

I usually first preheat my bread to a nice and tepid 84 degrees (or whatever is room temperature but I like my room sweltering). Then, I kneel by the bread, usually facing westward (doesn’t matter which West).

After a series of inaudible chants, I gently remove the bread from my room and place it in an adjacent, identical room. There it will live for upwards of 72 hours, sometimes less.

Step 2: Now You’re Cooking!

When I feel the bread has learned its lesson, I bring it to the kitchen and ask it whether or not it wants the oven or the stove. If it doesn’t answer, I put it in the oven for however long until I remember it’s there

Remember, the longer you don’t do a thing, the better you get. It’s called deprivation training, and it’s how olympic athletes train. This is both why I am a much better lover now than I was when Brenda broke up with me, and also proof that I am indeed training for that marathon.

As for the bread, if it does say that it wants the stove or the oven, I scream because the bread just spoke I am certain this is what happened. but then I realize it’s sentient too now and has agency. I should listen to its wishes and respect them

This little loaf of mine and I become best friends (to friends:sorry) and we road trip the country together.

That’s all we do as friends. Nothing else. Road trips are the best proof of friendship. This is why the characters from cars are such good friends. Vroom vroom!!!!

Step 3: Bread isn’t just for the bourgeoisie anymore!

One day, when visiting the Grand Canyon, I leave to grab the camera from the car. A sunset has made the canyon look all orangey and its v cool.

But when I return, a herd of jackals is feasting on my only friend (to friends:sorry)

I weep. I am confused and cannot drive, like my hands are my feet and my feet are my hands. But in its last anaerobic respiration, my bread friend tells me “this is what I want” It is meant to be feasted. Then it is right to eat.

Only the bread can decide how and when it is to be eaten. Respect the bread. Serve with butter.