Welcome, sir or madam. The Birdwatcher is right down this way. Follow me.

You follow her, and step into the machine. The chassis closes around you.

In a few moments, you will become René Descartes, and your virtual birdwatching tour will begin. Please relax, and enjoy a sip of Nutrienza™.

The lights flood, warp, and change colors; your vision dissolves, and you feel as though you have abruptly awakened. You are in a forest, and you have become René Descartes. You feel the elevation of your mental powers, and your great erudition and patience. You look around.

Welcome to the Pacific Northwest. You are currently one hundred miles east of Beaverton, Oregon. Look around, and enjoy the birds, as well as the scenery.

You look around. There are many birds of various different colors, shapes, and sizes. They make different sounds, so you are unsure of which is which. You consult your PDA, and learn that they are finches, hawks, sparrows, and robins. You have a passing thought about your sister’s bicycle seat, and how uncomfortable it was for her when she had to ride in her bathing suit to the beach, and how–

Sir or madam, please try to relax. If you are unsure of which birds you are observing, feel free to consult your PDA.

You look down, and notice that as René Descartes, you are five feet nine inches tall. You have long, dark brown hair and a mustache. You observe that the birds are talking, but cannot discern what they are saying. After several experiments, you deduce that they are discussing the arrangement and construction of their nests. You take nine hundred steps to the North. Now, you are looking at a promontory overlooking a peaceful valley. You step on to the promontory. The promontory is roughly shaped like the seat of your sister’s bicycle. You think about how her legs would get chafed peddling to and from the beach in the summer, and how the sand in her bathing suit made the hard seat especially uncomf–

Sir, please try to focus on the virtual experience. A burst of Nutrienza™ is being dispensed into your body. Please consult your PDA if you are confused or lost.

You look at your PDA. It is currently displaying the Wikipedia page for Red-Tailed Hawk. You look up, and see a Red-Tailed Hawk majestically flying in large sweeps across the sky. The sun is very harsh, and your hat does not have a brim. You look down at your PDA, and notice that the Notes section is covered in drawings and scribbles. You read them, and notice that they are diagrams and speculations about your sister’s bicycle seat: how it would smell, where it is now, whether it is lost, whether she knows that you once removed it and replaced it with an identical one–

Warning: you have 32 minutes of Birdwatching left. Please try to cover as much ground as possible.

You walk fourteen hundred steps to the Southwest. You are now very thirsty. You take a drink from your canteen. When you lower it, you notice that there is a crowd of Blue-Footed Boobies gathered in the swamp in front of you. You take out your PDA and pull up the Wikipedia page for Blue-Footed Booby. You learn that the Blue-Footed Booby is easily recognizable by its distinctive bright blue feet and that the courtship of the Blue-Footed Booby consists of the male flaunting his blue feet and dancing to impress the female. You look down and notice that your buckled shoes are covered in mud. This reminds you of how dirty you felt when you snuck into the bike-shed at night to sit on your sister’s bicycle seat, and pretend that she was on your lap, and that you were both sitting on it together–

Do not forget that birds are timid. If you startle a bird, try birdwatching in another location. When you return, the bird will have been refreshed.

You walk nine hundred and fifty steps to the Southeast. You have learned over a dozen new facts about birds already. You are curious to learn more about birds. You look around, and notice that there are several Red-Necked Grebes gathered nearby. You observe them and notice that they are communicating on several different levels. You perceive that each of these birds is a small bicycle seat, and you imagine the pleasure of picking one up and pressing your face into it. You go over to–

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