Once I was at the food court in a mall when a fight broke out. Needless to say, I was traumatized to the point of developing a fear of malls. This may not have happened if they had had some kind of law and order covering the food court. Those roller-wheeling mall cops can’t handle anything as legally complicated as a food dispute; they can barely remain upright on those stupid looking things to begin with. What the food court needs is its own legal system. It needs a legislation of its own to deal with such issues as dining and dashing and complaints with orders and outright food hooliganism. What the food court needs is its own Food Court.

Once, I was with someone who ordered a hot dog on a stick. He ate most of it before finally realizing that it wasn’t what he ordered. He demanded justice, yet there was no justice to be had. The pimply-faced twerp behind the cash register said that, since he’d already eaten most of it, he wasn’t entitled to a refund. If there had been a Food Court, my companion could simply have taken his case to it, along with his stick. Then Pimple-Face would have to face the long arm of the law. There would have been justice and my companion would have gotten the cup of water he claimed to have ordered.

Another situation involved an outside court, a place known outside the walls of the malls as County Superior Court. It was there that this person who shall remain nameless (Roy G. Biv) was accused of a practice knowin legal jargon as “the Ol’ Dine n’ Dash.” The court claimed that this anonymous individual (Biv) took a slice of pizza from Pizza n’ Such and did not pay for it. Now what does any of this have to do with a court from outside the mall’s perimeters? It is a mall issue and should stay a mall issue; there is no need to bring in the county sheriff. First, he wears an actual gun, not a large flashlight like the mall police do. That’s scary. Also, he took this anonymous person (Roy G. Biv) to the county jail to be booked and fingerprinted, causing a big scene as this person experienced war flashbacks that caused the deaths of several law enforcement personnel and the destruction of an entire Pacific Northwest town and, wait a minute, that was Rambo, never mind. The point is that at the time of the incident the anonymous individual (Mr. Biv) wasn’t himself. He was in the form of a raccoon, and it’s known the world over that raccoons take things without paying for them. They are natural bandits, which is why nature gave them those masks. However, this anonymous suspect known only as Roy G. Biv was tried with me as his proxy due to the fact that he cannot appear in the form of a person anywhere but the planet Jupiter. I tried to explain this to the judge and ended up with a 72 hour psychiatric hold. I appealed the committal on religious grounds explaining that Roy Biv is a god that I created and the only reason he has to take human form on Jupiter is because I put him there. I showed the court my manifesto, but all it did was give me a seven day house arrest.

The point is that in Food Court none of this would have happened. Leave the outside law out of things like “Dine n’ Dash.” It’s a food issue. That’s all I’m saying.

One last thing that Food Court can handle is the one thing that frightened me against malls in the first place, other than the pizza thingy, the all out food fight. Remember “Animal House”? Well, something of that nature can be very unsettling in a setting outside a fraternity house, especially since Food Courts do not serve alcohol (at least not in this country). Food Fights can be settled in a Food Court quite easily. The judge or Food Commissioner would simply order everyone to clean everything up. Then everyone would be treated to a “free” slice of pizza from the Pizza n’ Such. See now? Heck, I could be a Food Commissioner.

No, I was not the person who ate the entire hot-dog-on-a-stick, and I didn’t swipe no ^*%* pizza!