Tufts Emergency Medical Services president Ivan Proust shocked and enraged the Tufts community today by announcing that TEMS has officially ceased all operations.

“We have been puked on for the last time,” proclaimed Proust. “We’re tired of running around all night taking care of assholes who can’t handle their alcohol.”

Certainly, Proust and his TEMS peers have reason to be tired. In the past two weeks alone, TEMS has responded to 326 alcohol-related calls, with 122 of those calls necessitating an on-scene liver transplant. With no spare livers readily available, TEMS responders must often sacrifice a lobe of their own.

“I swear to God, there are probably a hundred freshman walking around with a piece of my liver inside of them,” complained TEMS member Sara Holt. “Next time someone needs my liver, I’ll rip the whole thing out and shove it down their throat.” Asphyxiation by liver aside, TEMS members also stated that longstanding ethical concerns contributed to their decision to disband. It was responder Jack Fishell who first brought the immorality of TEMS intervention to the team’s attention.

“I joined TEMS two years ago just so I could make out with hot chicks during mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and feel their tits during chest compressions, but I always had a sense that what I was doing was wrong,” said Fishell. “I felt that we were saving people who didn’t deserve to be saved when the world is overpopulated anyway.”

For years, Fishell didn’t dare voice his new perspective to other TEMS members, for fear that they would disagree with him. However, when Fishell and his fellow TEMS responder Joshua Mule attended a party together last semester, Fishell drunkenly confessed his secret to Mule. Although the night ended with the two men TEMS-ing each other, both miraculously retained memories of their conversation. Mule agreed with Fishell, and together they presented their ideas to the rest of the TEMS crew the next day. While their views met with some initial resistance, within hours all team members had embraced natural selection. For them, the end of TEMS now comes as a welcome and long-awaited event.

When asked if there is any possibility of TEMS’s reinstatement, Proust replied, “Absolutely not. We simply cannot continue to flout the universe’s natural progression.”

Holt echoed Proust’s sentiments, though in a decidedly grittier fashion: “Sure, we could reinstate TEMS, but only if you’d agree to have your dick chopped off while you get your stomach pumped.”

Considering that few students would willingly submit to sterilization, it looks as though TEMS really is gone for good. Drinking and drowning in one’s own vomit may soon be all the rage at Tufts.