WASHINGTON— President Barack Obama vowed to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the Integrated Student Information Service, more commonly known by its acronym, iSIS. In a speech to the nation late that evening, the president pledged to bring an end to Tufts University’s new online portal for student life.

Employing tersely worded rhetoric, Obama called iSIS “a network of death” and “a terrorist organization, pure and simple.” The president cited its muddled dropdown menus, long loading times, and inaccessibility on online devices as specific reasons for the website’s complete annihilation. In a touching section of the speech, Obama focused on the tragic story of a young freshman whose hopes to take Chinese 1 were ended when iSIS failed to alert her of a conflict with Introduction to Community Health until it was too late. “As Americans,” Obama proclaimed, “we welcome our responsibility to lead.”

Although exact details about the administration’s plans of action are still forthcoming, the president made it clear that he intends to assemble a coalition of the willing at an emergency meeting later this week in Brussels. Privately, senior administration members confirmed that Obama would continue U.S. drone strikes against high value targets in Davis Square, such as those hipsters working on compsci in Diesel, and has already placed special operations assault teams in Medford on standby.

For now, public opinion seems to be on the side of the administration. A poll published by the Pew YikYak Center found that over sixty percent of respondents agree with the statement that “iSIS sucks more than the walk to Mail Services,” although whether this bump in support for state action is only temporary remains to be seen.

Speaking to reporters after the speech, White House press secretary Josh Earnest labeled iSIS “a threat to innocent people everywhere” and “impossible to use unless you’re Stephen fucking Hawking.” These comments echoed earlier statements from Secretary of State John Kerry, who vowed that “those responsible for this heinous, vicious atrocity of a website will be held accountable.”

President Anthony Monaco, a long-rumored financier of iSIS’ more radical elements, could not be reached for comment.