By Monaco Family Archives

Note from the archives: Here at the Monaco Family archives, located in the basement of Tisch library, we strive to preserve Anthony’s legacy by curating our collection and attempting to find all documents pertaining to the lifetime achievements of our President. This piece in particular represents, to us, Anthony’s carefree spirit and witty humor we all knew and loved. We hope you enjoy one of Anthony’s oldest standup comedy routines, salvaged from a Chinese restaurant’s alleyway dumpster in 1996.

“Women!”

Hey, what’s up ladies and gentlemen! I’m Tony P, and tonight I’m gonna make you scream. With laughter, of course! (make sure they laugh) Before I begin, let me just say a few things I need to tell you wonderful people. “If I do make you scream, I am legally obliged to report it to my parole officer. My name is Anthony Monaco and I am a reformed citizen who will no longer kidnap large feline creatures and/or sell their blood online.”

Anyway, enough of all that. Let’s get light-hearted, right? Nobody wants to hear about the performer’s story, they just want to laugh! (laughter)—But if you do need my documents, talk to me after the show and I’ll send them to you. Where was I? Oh yeah, women.

I met this woman the other day who looked just like my mom (mimic mother’s characteristics)—like, it was almost scary. So I went up to her and told her she looked like my mom, and she slapped me! Like, what the hell?? (my little pony reference) What is wrong with those people? This woman acts like I’m gonna stab her with my needle! (violent stabbing motion) Like people hold needles for no reason, woman. God. (If it looks like a lot of atheists say “science” or something idk)

––if they aren’t laughing at this point, switch over to the Joker routine––

No, but I swear to you there was something in her eyes, man. (continue stabbing motion) Like a horny mama tiger protecting her young kinda look. Oh, did you know that a breastfeeding tigress can produce upwards of 4 gallons of blood a day? (If they look smart say like “kilometers” or whatever) Who knew, right? But I’m telling you, the tiger blood market is booming right now. I feel bad for, you know, the old-timers who are still out here mining diamonds or Bitcoin or whatever. (drop on the deck and flop like a fish) They don’t really understand where the money’s at! I know it might seem like hard work, (violent stabbing motion) but at the end of the day… the thicker the flow, the thicker the dough! (laughter?)