By Ted Finger

Where is Tufts University’s favorite president right now? I haven’t seen Tony in almost three days, and I’m getting pretty worried. Let’s go ask some students on campus to find out where he went!

Regieorginaford Fredfordbatch: “Um, I don’t know. Maybe like Aruba or something? I heard it’s really nice there this time of year. I had lunch today. Yeah, Aruba. That’s gotta be it.”

Ricardo Poflunkis III: “Why the hell are you asking me? Aren’t you that guy who took a shit in the Bush showers? Get away from me! Wait, oh my god. Do you smell?”

Timmy Château: “Oo, that’s a good one. Gimme a second, I’ll see if Tony’s mom knows where he is. … Ok so it looks like he hasn’t talked to her in a while, sorry man. I could call Tony’s aunt but we’re kind of going through a rough patch right now. Yeah, Pauline and I were compatible in the beginning, but now I’m having second thoughts. Hey, are you alright? You’re kinda clutching your legs together like… oh, Jesus.”

Rex Dinosaur: “Tony’s missing? Oh shit, I gotta call Pauline!”

Stnaperauqs Bobegnops: “I heard he joined some pro-death militia in Canada. Well basically, it’s the opposite of pro-life, they think all people should burn at the stake and stuff. Apparently they’re gaining traction in like Montana and shit. You like my shoes, huh? Yeah, I just stole them yesterday.”

Anthony Monaco: “Pardon me? Do you not know who I am? I’m Dr. Monaco, you fucking imbecile! Also, do you bathe? You smell like shit.”