By Zamboni Themed Movie Enthusiast

In 2002’s hit Halloween classic Spooky House, Ben Kingsley stars as The Great Zamboni, a reclusive, crotchety, child-hating magician who starts to come out of his shell when a sad orphan named Max stumbles into his titular spooky house. At the start of the film we are shown that the magician’s sour attitude is owed to the loss of his wife, Dawn Starr, who went missing during a disappearing act. However, though viewers are led to believe that Dawn Starr died, at the end of the film it is revealed that this was not the case. Instead, she deliberately turned herself into a jaguar to punish The Great Zamboni for his hatred of children, a fact she reveals only when he comes to love and appreciate them in the form of Max. Praised for being wildly original, this film quickly rose to #1 in the box office and became a blockbuster hit. However, it seems that this “wild” originality was just another magical illusion cast upon the audience. In fact, The Great Zamboni’s backstory was stolen straight from the life of Tufts University President Anthony P. Monaco. Bony Tony is well-known for hating the students he governs, with countless undergraduates stepping forward with testimonials:

“I was looking for my friends before my matriculation ceremony when I bumped into Tony accidentally. I turned around and apologized, but he completely ignored me. What the hell was up with that??”

“One time I was playing Pokemon Go with a professor in front of Ballou and Tony walked by and like… very obviously avoided eye contact with me. He started talking to her and then walked away without ever looking in my direction. I was like one foot away. He didn’t even turn his head.” 

“I saw Tony Monaco walking down the street two blocks away from me on my way back from my shift at McKinnon’s Meat Market and I wanted to say hi, so I called out ‘Tony! Tony, wait up!’ but he just started walking faster. I put my meat cleaver between my teeth so I could get on all fours for optimal speed, and he broke into a full sprint. I don’t know why he was being so antisocial, but lucky for me Tony may be fast but I am faster.”
Tony has been spotted with his wife in the past so I know she exists even though Wikipedia doesn’t think she does, but it’s been several years since she has made an appearance. Even more suspicious is the fact that her sudden withdrawal from the public eye coincides with Tony’s “adoption” of Dottie, the silly little fish who lives all alone in a barren tank in his office. Coincidence? I think NOT. This publication alleges that Tony Monaco voiced his hatred of children to his wife, who wanted to have a child, and in response she used her secret magical powers to transform herself into a fish to punish him for his misdeed. Though the real Great Zam-Tony has yet to atone-y for his sins, I believe if we show him Spooky House, he too will come to love the students under his care and his wife can return to bipedal form once again.

Photo caption: ^ Tony’s wife getting the idea to turn into an animal