Written and Illustrated by Professor Pronkel

6 September 2018

I’ve pored over the theory and am in need of test subjects, but now the university has cut off my funding. The cowards! Are they so terrified of scientific progress that they turn their noses up at my discoveries?  I have reached out to students desperate for internships, but after the first day, they too return to their sad little lives and cower at greatness.

I am so close. So close. Only the final test remains and yet no one steps forward to advance humanity! The fools! There seems to be little left to do but turn to other projects. Ol’ Slurpy will have to wait for her time in the sun.

15 October 2018

I have been forced to resign. And after I thought I had ensured my position. I thought that a man of science like good ol’ Tony would understand me. I had chatted, I had coaxed, I had seduced the man! But to no avail! He spurns me after all we’ve been through together, in and out of the lab.

I am destitute. No one will hire me after my dishonorable discharge. Apparently, demonstrating ray gun usage on the freshmen who are late to my morning class is considered “hazing” and “reprehensible.” Codswallop!

I am writing in this journal because this is also the day I bring Señor Slurpy out of her short retirement. Tony will know what it’s like to have everything taken from him and then maybe he’ll listen. Maybe someone will listen.

17 October 2018

I have recalibrated Friend Slurpy and have planned a route. It will be over in an instant, but what an instant it will be! My heart races. Aches. I’m having second thoughts, but I must hold fast. This is the test subject I needed for this project. And after all is done, Monty will advance the field of biology well beyond the scope of his petty work. Anyway, I am distracted. I strike tonight.

18 October 2018

There was one one detail unaccounted for in my first experiment. In my haste, I forgot to acquire a second test subject as no foreign dignitaries were meeting with Tony when I barged into his office as I anticipated.

I had quickly strapped Slurpy-san to Mr. Monaco’s head before he could say “Bob’s your uncle” (as he had tried to utter, but only got as far as “Bob’s-”), but finding no second test subject to attach the tentacle to, I had to cross a line I had never even considered before. Animal cruelty. I have always been a strong proponent against the use of animals for experimentation. I’ve always found it abhorrent. But the only life-form I could find was the fish Tony Maroney kept in his office. In my desperation, I thrust the tentacle onto Dottie with a heavy heart. Li’l Slurpy gets impatient and will explode the test subject’s head if I’m not careful.

This hiccup aside, the first experiment seemed a complete success. I had done it! I am the first man to successfully swap minds. Dottie, realizing she no longer has fins or gills, fell to the floor struggling to breathe, just as Tony, realizing he had no lungs or legs, spasmed to the bottom of the tank. I had made my escape just as they both adjusted to their new forms.

This breakthrough will be the greatest contribution to transgender healthcare since Magnus Hirshfeld!

25 October 2018

A week has gone by and I have seen no reports in any school publication about the aftermath of my experiment. Even the Zamboni was quiet on the issue. Had the mindswap been only temporary? Had someone developed a countermeasure?

My investigation found that Tony Mahogany was indeed still a fish. This was relieving, but had Dottie learned Tony’s activities, skills, and habits in so short a time with no suspicion?

Upon interviewing Tony the fish, (1) I learned that in his human form, he had taught his fish from a young age in an attempt to groom him as a successor. Every day, he would communicate to Dottie every aspect of his actions. Every meeting, every speech, every slimy child he had to interact with. And slowly she began to understand the ins and outs of running a major university and even began work as human Tony’s secretary. As a result of this training, the new Tony had taken to her new life like a fish to water.

17 May 2020

I have again been blocked from pursuing further research with My Darling Slurpy. After being successfully used and widely applied to the American healthcare system, multiple state governments put a ban on all Slurpy actions. Something to do with thinking about the children. To hell with the children!  What do these spineless politicians’ child constituencies— which can benefit from not only the genderswapping capabilities, but also the other uses cis children might need for their life-threatening diseases—have against my genius? But enough infamy was placed on my Precious Slurpy that all Slurpy procedures were discontinued!

From then on I swore that any child I found, I would immediately punt into the sun for their child-like demands that they made to their politicians who are so desperate for child votes. Absolute ignoramuses, the lot of them!

20 November 2021

Unfortunately, this day marks the sudden disappearance of my very first test subject, Tony Monaco’s fish. She was last seen in the river swimming upstream to lay her eggs without realizing that she couldn’t lay eggs nor breathe underwater. She will be missed.

There have been many reports of the university president’s disappearance which the remaining Tony Monaco frequently chuckles over when he reads them from inside his tank. He too is saddened by the loss of his owner and friend, but he can at times be a stoic fish. I grieve with him.

I dedicate this journal to the late Tony Monaco, the greatest fish president of all time.

1. This was a complicated procedure which required me to swap my own mind with that of a second fish to understand the former president’s account. I then swapped back, leaving Tony alone in his tank.