By Brian Strothman

1) Kiss his parents on the lips until he was kind of weirdly old

Unfortunately, I could not find any information on President Monaco’s parents in order to follow up for information on this, but it is entirely possible that Anthony Monaco kissed his parents on the lips until an age that most would view as kind of odd.  I mean, if he didn’t stop until like 7th or 8th grade, wouldn’t you be a little weirded out?

2) Go through an extended flat earth phase in 5th grade

So this doesn’t seem that strange – most middle schoolers go through an edgy phase, and flat earth is exactly the kind of thing they would find hilarious—until you consider that Monaco would have been in 5th grade in 1969, long before the popularity the movement has enjoyed in the social media age.  It is difficult to verify that he was not eerily ahead of his time in this respect.

3) Play goalie for the Princeton water polo team

According to Wikipedia, President Monaco spent his days in undergrad tending goal for the Tigers’ water polo team.  However, I was unable to find another source to confirm this, so I cannot be sure.  You cannot prove he didn’t, and in fact, he probably did! What a guy.

4) Vote for Donald Trump in the 2016 and 2020 elections

President Monaco’s statements in support of undocumented students seem to imply that he would not support President Trump or his policies.  However, given that the United States operates on the secret-ballot system in order to prevent coercion from influencing democracy, there is no public record of how he voted, only that he voted, so we cannot know for sure.

5) Murder JonBenet Ramsey

Christmas night, 1996.  A family, like much of America, deep in a contented sleep, wakes to find their daughter missing, a ransom note on the kitchen table.  The proceeding case, and the horrifying mystery of what happened to poor JonBenet, would captivate the nation and shake us to our collective core. Theories about what happened abound, but no killer has been found. For this reason, although it is incredibly, incredibly improbable that Anthony Monaco was in any way involved, it is not provable that he was not.

6) Run a mile faster than the world record one time in high school but nobody was there to see it

President Monaco has never been an elite runner.  With that being said, it is not physically impossible that on one strange day in 1976, the wind and weather were just right, and a strange spark was in the air, and Anthony Monaco, out for a jog, ran a mile in under the 3:43.13 that currently stands as the men’s world record in the mile.  Wouldn’t that be crazy?