FEBRUARY 15, 2017 – With almost a month  of being president under his expanding belt, Trump has officially ushered in the federal government flag football season. With no past scores to strive to beat, given Obama’s penchant for basketball, Trump inaugurated the office-wide competition by announcing that he had handpicked the players on his team for their “great skills” and “tremendous hands” guaranteed to be better than what Clinton had suggested.*

The first bump in the campaign towards total office domination came early on in the game. In fact, it happened even before the kickoff had been set up. Mike Pence, in the white, pointy-headed  robe he refused to go without, eagerly chanted Scripture quotes as he lead his team into the recently-renovated Oval Office turned football stadium. His team seemed impressed he could read the Bible through the eye holes in his cloth, but this didn’t stop them from noticing that Pence had misplaced a key item in the chaos of the match.

The presidential pigskin, passed down from generation to generation of Presidents, had been recently loaned to adamant Trump supporter Tom Brady to use. However, Deflategate II , the now-famous January 2017 event causing the complete dissolution of the New England Patriots,had led to the confiscation of this precious piece of American history.

Busy with defunding and criminalizing literally everything good about Obama’s eight-year term, this football issue was temporarily tossed to the wayside by Vice President Pence, the team leader in charge of bringing the football to each game.

After much yelling and lots of spray tan being turned into spittle flying in Pence’s direction, he hurriedly scampered around the field to find a replacement. Luckily, the President’s desk in the former Oval Office was left to serve as the referee table, and the bunker underneath was left wide open to air it out while the staff played their football game. Pence, realizing he had left his pinny downstairs during the pre-match briefing, rushed down the steps to see if he could kill two gay birds with one stone. As Pence de-robed, he noticed that the nuclear football was the perfect substitute. It was just laying on the table, not having been replaced after Trump’s request to have something for his hands to play with during the meeting, and almost begged Pence to be used in the game.

The game went down as having been won with an explosive run by Trump’s very own Ann Coulter. Next week’s games has been postponed until after the Latino population of the White House team can redo the field.  

*Editor’s note: Hillary Clinton has not said anything about Trump or his team’s flag football abilities.