An error in polling machines across the nation has been discovered that dates back to primary season. It shows that 57% of Republican primary participants voted not for Donald Trump, but for John Ellis Bush, better known as “Jeb (exclamation point).” While it would seem natural that the election would be re-held, voters throughout the country were so relieved to be free of a Trump presidency that they released a collective statement reading “Fuck it,” directly replacing Trump with Bush. We reached out to Jeb (exclamation point) for further comment, but we have yet to hear back.

UPDATE: A personal, handwritten note from Jeb (exclamation point) was sent to our office, seen below.