The college admissions cycle is a complex and intimidating process to navigate for every high school senior, no matter what school you hope to attend. Here at Tufts University, where we’re known for being “quirkier” than the average college, the admissions process is done a little differently. These fun facts will give you a look inside Bendetson Hall, to show you how students’ applications are really reviewed.

1. Once per application cycle, the Admissions Office picks up a few giant handfuls of applications and tosses them towards the trash bin, and automatically rejects those that land in it. Former Dean of Admissions Lee Coffin stated “Tufts doesn’t need anyone that unlucky.”

2. The applicant first on the waitlist has to earn their admittance by being the Admissions Office’s snack gofer. The lucky applicant will receive a letter offering them the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to prove their dedication to becoming a Jumbo by spending their entire summer scurrying back and forth between Bendetson and the Commons for various snack foods for the admissions officers.

3. The office has to rent several extra Automated External Defibrilators (AEDs) to revive any essay readers who become dangerously impressed by any application including an essay about an important sports game or overseas volunteer work. Those applications are automatically accepted.

4. You’re the only one that actually paid the application fee. Thanks for buying us Helen’s pizza, you gullible shmuck.

5. Tufts University hires Mr. Sandman (Class of ‘25) for the admissions process every year. He monitors students’ REM cycles to confirm that Tufts actually is their “dream school.”

6. Every year, former Dean Coffin sends in several thousand applications in his own name, just so he can reject them and lower the acceptance rate. Tufts really isn’t that selective

7. The fates of the top 24 students on the waitlist (after the snack gofer, of course) are decided by a Hunger Games-style deathmatch on the President’s Lawn. The winning student is rewarded with both survival and an acceptance letter. “We’ve received several human rights complaints,” comments former Dean Coffin, “But we feel it goes to show how quirky Tufts is.”

8. Tufts University in Medford, MA isn’t even the real Tufts University. Its low acceptance rate is to drive away any “undesirables.” The real school’s location and application process is a closely guarded secret, held only by those President Monaco deems “acceptable.” He doesn’t think it’s elitist.