Chateau Bordeaux: a full-fat, heavy-handed wine, it nearly demands to be served with a steak no less than 6.8 ounces. Pleasantly viscous, comparable in texture to motor oil. Finishes with nearly overwhelming undertones of cherries and depression.

Pinot François de Bougie: on the lighter side, this wine has hints of asphalt and titanium, and a soupçon of sweat. Overarching flavors include lighter fluid and an entire duck. Subtle hints of rosemary and blood.

Prostucco: it nearly assaults the mouth with opening flavors of 18th century parchment and wild elation. The bouquet reveals the subtler notes of Jolly Ranchers and Sennheiser HD 598® headphones. It practically overflows with an aftertaste of Tea Party conservatism.

“Uncle Jeff ’s” Merlot: as deep a red as a really deep-red Pantone color swatch, this particular wine surprises with an acidic yet dusty flavor, accented by the vacuum of deep space and what can only be described as several live cockroaches. A definite standout.

Uzbekistani Manischewitz: a personal favorite, this wine is thoroughly gritty, heated, and porous. Predominant flavor profiles would be best described as ink, the Bauhaus design movement, and Star Wars (Episodes II-VI, excluding V). A final flourish of ozone and climatic volatility gives this wine its edge.