Now, as we all know, the tuition at Tufts University can seem a bit daunting, especially when students must pay for books, food, and housing for the year. Not surprisingly, some new students feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cash they need to get through a semester. Luckily, the Zamboni is here to help. We found some successful students and asked them how they manage to get through it all. Listen up, freshmen!

“Well, eventually I decided that instead of sleeping, socializing, or spending time on my homework, I would get a job,” says Stephanie, a sophomore Economics major. “After working for thirty hours a week I can almost buy four Pan Asia bowls from Hodgdon!

Claire, a senior studying Biology, has found a lucrative source of income: the black market. Her advice? “Never get caught stealing cadavers from the labs; I heard that’s a violation of academic integrity or something. Oh, and when someone asks you for ‘shrooms, apparently they don’t want the beautiful, yet deadly amanita bisporigera specimens you’ve been cultivating. Now I’m stuck in the middle of an attempted murder case. Who knew?”

Mark, a member of the fraternity Tau Omega Omicron Lambda, was unavailable for interview. When trying to reach him we were stopped at the door—we didn’t have a ticket and apparently “Mark” wasn’t a good enough answer to the question “Who do you know?” We’ll try again next weekend, when TOOL is rumored to be throwing an open party.

One student, who asked to remain unnamed, had the following response: “What? How do you know I don’t pay tuition? Please don’t tell the police. I swear, I only stay in rooms when I know the people are out of town! I mean, no one was using them, so they’re up for grabs, right? Right? Stop looking at me like that, I mean, we all know that tuition is a social construct!” The student then pointed in the opposite direction, grabbed my wallet, and ran. He has not yet been located.

Acting is the way to go, according to Denise, a junior in the new Film and Media Studies major. “Sure, most of the films I star in could be considered ‘obscene’ by the prude standards of today’s society, but I think they’re really tasteful. The last few I did paid for, like, three of my textbooks.”

I just sold a kidney,” says Joseph, a sophomore.

James, a graduate student who has been paying tuition for five years, has found a unique solution. “I sold my soul to Jumbo as a freshman, and now I don’t pay anything,” he explains. “Now, His spirit is always with me. I see Him in my dreams every night…my nightmares too.” We attempted a second interview with James, but found him unavailable, as he is now spending time in a local institution after attempting to pay off his federal loans with crudely-drawn elephant pictures and expired candy.