WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of the February 13th death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, the nation’s highest court has decided to disband after 277 years as an essential government institution. “It has been an honor to serve the American people since 1789,” read an official press release. “However, it has come to our attention that the values that this Court embodies, such as free speech and the respectful discussion of controversial topics, no longer have a place in our society. It’s simply not possible to talk about things like (****TRIGGER WARNING**** – REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS AND RACIAL POLITICS) abor***n and affir****ve ac**on without offending anyone, and therefore it is our civic duty to ensure the dissolution of this institution.”

The decision comes as a victory for many students at liberal arts institutions who have been calling for an end to the Supreme Court for years. “My mother has always told me that I’m a special flower, and that no one has the right to say things that make me uncomfortable,” said Tufts University sophomore Abigail Carrow. “I’m thrilled that the Supreme Court has decided to embrace real American family values and make the United States a Safe Space.”

When asked how Carrow expects any serious lawsuits to be resolved without the Supreme Court, she pointed to the judicial model at work on their own campuses. “Whenever there is any serious disagreement at Tufts, the contending individuals come together, along with several impartial moderators,” said Carrow. “While one group states their case, the other group puts their fingers in each other’s ears to avoid overhearing. Then, digits are removed from orifices and the moderators deliver an entirely politically correct, non-offensive summary of the statement. The other group is subsequently invited to explain their point of view in the same way, and this process continues until a compromise is reached.” This strategy, Carrow explains, ensures that issues are resolved and that Leaves feeling as though they have been pushed to question their own beliefs or expand their point of view

Admittedly, there are some drawbacks to Tufts’ revolutionary system. Carrow sighs despondently and runs a hand through her hair as she describes how the strategy impacts the individuals who volunteer as moderators. “I can’t even imagine the stress they must be under,” she says. “Hearing people speak their minds day in and day out sounds absolutely hellish. What they do to keep our community safe is nothing short of heroic.”