by Jack H. Wilan

“Welcome to the Hill!” 

You turn to see the bright smile of a Tufts upperclassman. They have already taken a week out of their summer to tell you where the library is.  

“Bright beginnings!” 

But, my dear freshman reader, as you may have recently discovered, orientation is no easy walk on our historic Prez-Lawn – no sir! In fact, it has a habit of existing as a wildly unglamorous time in the young academic’s life. It’s a time in which they’ll eat Carm for every meal and use dishwasher detergent for their laundry* . Hence, I (Zamboni Editor) believe Tufts ought to rebrand this week more honestly  than their current advertising may reflect. Here are my slogan suggestions:

“Tufts Orientation 2027 – Experience the Jum-blues”

“Tufts Undergraduate Orientation – Considering Acapella”

“Walking to Davis Square With Your Asshole Roommate – The Tufts Experience”

“On the Phone With Your High School Friends in Your Hodge Triple at 1pm – Bright Beginnings”

“Reach for the Sky – On a TUSC Bouncy House All Alone” (is there anything more pathetic than a bouncy house with no friends?! Who thought that was a good idea?)

“Shitting Yourself in Aidekman Arts Center After Sampling Dewick Mussel Curry –  Making Jumbo Moves”

Maybe this editor’s just a crusty old cynic. The club fair’s pretty cool I guess – you enjoy that bouncy castle :) 

Ain’t that a kick in the head?

– Ed

*True story.