By Maya Czebauls

Holy fucking shitballs, guys! Netflix is adding a bunch of worthless garbage to their already steaming-hot trash pile of a selection of F-tier entertainment. God, do I fucking hate Netflix, and it’s not just because two of my fellow Netflix executives had sex with my wife at different times and then at the same time. (Or because they fired me for changing all the subtitles of every show to say: ‘Fuck Lorraine and Tom the wife-stealing super-dicks.’)

Anyway, see what’s coming to Shitflix this fall:

November 1st: Spider-Man 4: Hey Step-Bro, Mom’s Not Home!

What a thrilling sequel to the sequel to the sequel to that Sony version of Spider-Man with that short, hot British guy–Tim Denmark or something–anyway, in this version he has sex with his dad’s wife’s daughter.

November 3rd: Weird That Nobody Saw How Problematic This Was in 2000

“Aw, what a classic. Haha, I forgot Ashton Kutcher was in this. Heh, that’s kind of funny. Hmm…that one’s not really that funny. Actually, that’s kind of not okay. Yeah, this is not how I remembered this. Wow, I can’t believe we thought this was okay. Am I the asshole? Holy crap, that joke was offensive. That’s it, I’m turning it off.” –You, while watching this film.

November 4rd: Just Enough Boobs

Wow! What a balancing act! The directors of this film included just enough gratuitous shots of topless women that it enhanced the artistic qualities of the film and led to Academy Award nominations, without including so many titties that the feminists got angry. It’s probably safe to watch this one with your mom and dad (since most of it is about French soldiers or some bullshit), as long as you don’t point and say “boobs” when the boobs come on.

November 9th: Stephen King Short Story but the Actors Suck

The fact that it was apparently shot with a shiny new camera (either that or the contrast and saturation were boosted in post) might cause you to almost wish you could forget how much the rest of this film is a buttload of ass. I mean, damn did they screw this one up. The writing? Ass. The acting? Ass. The ending? Not that good, tbh.

November 20th: Borat

Sike!–we’re not paying for that. But not to fear! You can kind of get the gist based on the YouTube clips anyway.

November 29th: Planet Earth Five: We’re All Fucked

Yep, this one is…well, quite frankly it’s depressing as shit. Don’t watch it if you love endangered species, non-endangered species, oceans, oxygen, or planets that are remotely habitable.

November 33rd: Live Action Movie that Whitewashes the Source Text

Wait, they paid Scarlett Johansson how much?

December 3/4ths: Home Alone 6: It’s Not as Funny if they Actually Get Injured

Brick to the head? Watch Joe Pesci’s eye pop out of his skull. Paint can to the face? Transverse facial fractures and traumatic dental injuries. Watch an adult McCauley Culkin go on trial for assault and attempted murder. It’s not that entertaining. 

December 18th: Action Film Written Specifically for Dwayne Johnson

This dude is fucking hunky. And he can act and sing? What a beefcake. Is the movie good? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you won’t even notice, since you’re so obsessed with Mr. “The Rock” Johnson.