By Jessica Klees

Famed teen singer-songwriter Billie Eilish announced on Sunday that she has enrolled at Tufts University for the fall semester. The 18-year-old sensation is now a part of the class of 2024.

Well, she is a part of it from her beautiful home in Los Angeles. 

“I’m now taking virtual classes at Tuff–Tufts? Is that what it’s called? Yeah, I’m studying at Tufts,” Eilish said in an exclusive interview with The Zamboni. She was wearing a Tufts sweatshirt during the conversation.

The singer has produced many chart-topping alternative pop songs, like “I’m a (Super Edgy) Teen” and “Vegan Cheeseburger.” When describing her educational plans, Eilish looked as bored as she always does. 

Eilish explained her thinking when it came to choosing a college. “I’m super rich, right? So I looked at really expensive schools just to remind people of that. But I didn’t want to go to, like, an Ivy because I need more clout than that. I wanted a school with a crazy high tuition that no one’s heard of, so I’ll feel even more famous. Like, ‘Billie Eilish is at Harvard’ isn’t as surprising as ‘Billie Eilish is going to Tufts with a bunch of nobodies.’”

Eilish did not comment as to whether or not she was actually accepted at Harvard. “Oh, and Tufts also paid me 2 million dollars,” she said. “They also paid the same amount to name that T station after the school, so Tufts clearly cares about clout as much as I do.”

Why did this pop star decide to go to college? “Well, it’s just so random, you know?” Eilish added. “I thought I might want to see what Zoom University is like. Everyone else is talking about it.” 

Billie Eilish says she plans to major in molecular biology at Tufts. Why? Who knows.

Bradley Jones, a poor grad student who teaches Eilish’s English 1 seminar, believes she is a great addition to his class. “Billie has an amazing mind. She fits right in with all the other edgelords– I mean students. It’s a bit weird that she’s always wearing a potato sack, though.”

First year Kim Thompson is also in Jones’s English 1 class. “It’s kind of crazy that the Billie Eilish is in my English class,” She says. “But you can never hear her speak because she only whispers into the microphone on Zoom. It’s very soothing–don’t get me wrong–but also kind of creepy. Like, very creepy.”

Art by Spyrie Eyelash