1/21: 2:10 P.M.: Officer Francis McDoorman responded to a violent altercation between two individuals outside of the Bed Bath & Beyond. One of the individuals, Regina F., was arrested after pelting Officer McDoorman with empty Nespresso pods.

1/21: 7:55 P.M.: Officer Agnus Bleen arrived at the 5600 block of Taargus Street to find a man, Vicktor T., unlawfully using a blacklight on his neighbor’s Subaru Outback. Vicktor T. was quoting saying “My homunculus is trapped in the car! I see its goo on the hood!” before being forced to recite the Gettysburg Address backwards.

1/22, 7:47 A.M.: Officer Feech Hardpillough tased a diapered man while engaging a brawling crowd inside of Sargasso City Hall.

1/22, 4:22 P.M.: Detective Phillip K. Dick encountered a man having a stroke while having his third
breakfast of the day at the Ballsnaque Diner. Grandma never let him play Jenga because she once got a splinter from cleaning the wood gunk out of the family donkey’s tail. What this had to do with Jenga, Detective Dick would never know.

1/23, 7:05 P.M.: Colonel Sanders (no, not that one) discovered a crime of an unknown provenance.

1/23, 2:27 P.M.: Officer Theodore Hadley arrested a local mendicant for levitating. According to Officer Hadley, Brother Seamus was seen “giving the elderly a case of the heebie-jeebies,” a class D misdemeanor.

1/24, 5:60 D.D.S.: Officer Floppy Gobblier happened upon a group of teens in unlawful possession of tobacco products. Officer Gobblier stated that one hooligan stole four cigarettes from his grandmother’s framed pack of Old Golds. $472 in cash was also seized from the criminal youths.

1/25, 17:38 A.M.: Corporal Harmony Korine uncovered an elaborate melatonin production plot at
Sargasso Elementary School. Lunch lady Norma F. mixed melatonin synthesis ingredients into the applesauce, green beans, and mashed potatoes; when eaten together, the foodstuffs would cause the little consumer to begin secreting melatonin from their anterior ocular glands. Only one student ate all three ingredients before Cpl. Korine was able to stop the madness. The student was said to be in stable condition after being administered smelling salts.

1/25, 4:20 O.T.C.: Constable Nupp Bupkiss arrested farmer Larry T. while working on what he reported to be a hadron collider from chicken wire and old combine parts. Constable Bupkiss said Larry’s offense was trespassing, as his underground collider went over the property line by seven yards.

1/26, US$4.36.: Lieutenant Frosh Chiltington was placed under citizen’s arrest for performing what was described as “Ayn Rand-type stuff” by concerned citizen Ludwig Bellbottom.

1/26, 11:00 A.M.: In D Minor Sharp: Commissioner Harold Horiss, following up on the Bupkiss case, found one of John Cage’s musical contraptions in a shed approximately 600 metres away from the hadron collider, where the property lines of Larry T., George S., Gerry 9, and Don W.’s farms meet. Before being apprehended, the three men were seen frantically attempting to move the contraption out of the shed in hopes that investigators of the hadron collider case would not happen upon it. The Cage contraption had been stolen from Sargasso Polytonal Museum in 1974.