JEFFERSONTOWN, MISS: Albert Smith is a 31-year-old bachelor
looking for love, whose interests include stamp-collecting, skin-
collecting, and Neopets. Lying in bed at night alone, save for his
Henry Kissinger body pillow, Smith trawled every dating app
available for some hot loving. From ChristianMingle to Denny’s
parking lots, Smith had been scouring every dating pool available
for a woman who would understand his unhealthy addiction to
Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction and “Baha Blast” Mountain Dew.
When he asked his mom for her assistance, he was told that they
were “just friends,” and that he should see other people.

Smith was ready to accept that all hope was lost when
he encountered the busty “Susan,” a Tinder profile featuring
an altered image of Winona Ryder. Smith sprung into action
immediately, asking her if she was “up,” to which she indignantly
replied the next morning that she had gone to bed at the “very
reasonable” hour of 6 pm. Smith asked if she was “down to clown,”
and she began describing her dislike for men who wear makeup.

Smith’s quest for love, though at times unfulfilling, led
him to his local Cracker Barrel to meet up with Susan. However,
Susan’s true form turned out to be not the hastily Photoshopped
Winona he was expecting; rather, she was an elderly woman who
just wanted to make sure he was eating enough.

“I was frankly perplexed when my date turned out to
be an 86-year-old woman asking if I was undernourished and
offering me Spongebob Kraft® Mac ‘N’ Cheese,” said a puzzled
Smith. “I thought I was gonna get some puss.”

“I was just concerned that he hadn’t had enough to eat
today,” tutted Susan. “He looks like the kind of young one to
skip a hearty breakfast.” Susan stubbornly refused to listen to an
explanation of Tinder’s actual purpose, while revealing that she
had already conned dozens of unsuspecting stags into agreeing
to a meal of green bean casserole and cream of wheat. Susan,
sporting a toe-length tweed robe, was reported as saying, “I’m not
going to show my ankles like some sort of flapper hussy.”

A bewildered Smith managed to deflect his decrepit
date’s advances by accepting her gift of several Werther’s Originals
and assuring her that his own grandmother kept him quite well
fed. “Susan is nice and all,” he remarked. “I’d just prefer a girl who
I can show off to all my friends at Spencer’s Gifts than one who’s
constantly nagging me about whether I’m going out in public in
‘that.’” At this, Smith absentmindedly patted his “Tapout” fedora.

Attempting to reach Susan for further comment proved
unfruitful, as she had already gone off to make a Bumble profile
with Kate Upton’s pictures to lure another gullible bachelor into
eating some cabbage and Metamucil.