Did you know the Zamboni has a spy inside the Tufts administration? Neither did we! It turns out we left a freshman in the walls of Dowling back in the Great Hazing of 1993, and he’s been there ever since. After several weeks of painful and invasive rehabilitation therapy, he finally stuttered out the following classified information before dying of… unknown causes. Below, reproduced verbatim from his final words and adapted to newsprint, is the email he gave his life to obtain:

To: Deans_List@tufts.edu

From: James Glaser james.glaser@tufts.edu

Cc: Anthony Monaco sillywilly13@gmail.com

Bcc:

To my esteemed colleagues,

I almost couldn’t do it this time. For the umpteenth time in a row, I stood in front of those idiots and told them, with a straight face, that we had no choice but to raise tuition again this year. That it was simply the cost of staying competitive in today’s university climate.

Guys, I’m going to be completely honest here: we haven’t even finished the budget. We have some ideas for new positions to add, but at this point I think even this pathetic group of Harvard rejects is getting suspicious. I mean, come on: Associate Dean for Recruitment, Retention, and Community Engagement? Even Bill Gates would have trouble buying that one. Then again, these fuckers thought Late Night Dining was us doing them a favor, so maybe they really are as stupid as Coffin keeps saying.

Anyway, these new positions are shit, but we need to add at least five of them to justify this tuition hike. We had a little too much fun with the janitors, and if we funnel any more into Monaco’s salary they’re going to make us classify him as a small country for tax reasons.

The list of proposed positions is attached. Please feel free to share your thoughts and suggestions.

Regards,

Dean Glaser

P.S. I’m seeing a few emails from students thanking us for our help. As always, I remind you that every satisfied student is money out of our pocket. Put a stop to it.

—————–Attachment Below—————

Dean of Telling Students Their GPA is Too Low to Study Abroad:

Supervises vital administrative processes and fulfills a much-needed role in student life. This position will provide leadership in our vision of confining the dumb students to campus so nobody notices we still waive academic requirements for football players. In addition, to ease the burden on students, this position will take over the job of cashing reimbursement checks, but only if the student’s last name begins with a prime-indexed letter that isn’t a vowel.

Junior Vice President for Junior Housing:

Filling a large hole in our campus body, the Dean of Junior Student Housing is responsible for collecting the unused boxes from Mail Services and fashioning them into the first guaranteed on-campus housing complex for Juniors.

Director of Janitor Retention:

Responsible for making sure Tufts never has to fire any more janitors. Note: this position will exceed the staff limit of the Maintenance Department, so we may have to cut a janitor to make space.

Dean of Tisch:

In charge, once a semester, of responding to the townie jerking off in Tisch Library during finals period and politely asking him to leave.

Freshman Pregnancy Coordinator:

In charge of finding freshmen on campus who have become visibly pregnant, offering them counseling services, and politely asking them to leave.

Senior Associate Dean of International Business and Finance’s Associate:

Because Dean Chakravorti seemed lonely.

Executive Vice President for Bathroom Relations:

Ensures that each dormitory bathroom on campus has the mandatory minimum one broken toilet. In the case that a bathroom does not reach these specs, this position is responsible for changing the dining hall menu to Mexican risotto and leftover seafood until the problem is resolved.

Associative Vice President for Diversity:

Plays the vital role at the intersection of being part of a minority group and being on the administration. Has “diversity” in the position title.

Director of Reasonable Measures to Prevent Sexual Assault on Campus:

The description of this position has been declared “triggering” and has been moderated.

Director of Area Residence Directors:

Whenever we have something to tell the students in Tufts Housing, this position will email the Area Residence Directors, asking them to send an email to the Residence Assistants telling them to tell the residents.

Dean of Replacement:

Formalizes the process by which we pick a food to replace the pizza and hamburgers in the dining halls once we’ve determined that nothing else we’re serving is edible.

Dean of Making Sure SJP Doesn’t Literally Kill FOI:

Self-explanatory. Will also process Add/Drop forms for students who can jump rope and have at least two natural science credits on their transcripts, but don’t speak Spanish.