Welcome to another exciting installment of Tales Around Tufts, the biennial campus news review with a heart of gold. Here at TaT, as we sometimes call ourselves, our team works tirelessly to bring you the most accurate, balanced news coverage possible, once every other year.

The Tufts football team won two games last season, making them the most decorated players in campus memory. Several students attempted to mob in the wake of each unprecedented victory, but they quickly dispersed when asked politely by University Police.

A shortage of General Gau’s Chicken at Dewick dining hall left dozens of students starving, standing for hours in line on cold, hard tile. “Yeah, I know it’s just chicken fingers in teriyaki sauce,” says junior Karina Hill, “Still doesn’t mean I’m getting a salad.”

Student protesters took to the hill to decry Tufts University’s alleged Title IX noncompliance and poor handling of sexual assault cases. The University promised to look into the issue, and created an internal review committee before clearing itself of all charges.

Fletcher Dean James Stavridis was vetted by the Clinton Campaign as a possible vice-presidential running mate. Sources speculate that Clinton had Stavridis confused with Douglas Elmendorf, the dean of the far more prestigious Harvard Kennedy School nearby

Two young men were stabbed in the neck at the DTD fraternity house, and a brother was taken into custody as a person of interest. A spokesman for Tufts University initially stated that the fraternity’s vast financial resources would have no effect on University policy, but later called take-backsies on the comment.

And that, dear readers, is everything that happened on campus in the last two years. From all of us here at The Zamboni, we hope you enjoyed reading Tales Around Tufts!

Tales Around Tufts: “If you heard it here first, you aren’t well informed!”