In honor of the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Issue of the Zamboni, we felt it would be a perfectly delicious time for the release of the Zamboni advice column, where you, loyal Zamboni readers and casual toilet Zamboni readers alike, can anonymously submit your questions and receive advice from me, the one and only, Marty Pulitzer.

Without further words, let’s jump right in.

Dear Marty Pulitzer,

I’m feeling pretty stressed out about all the work I have, and I’m having a hard time balancing school work with my social life. What should I do, Marty Pulitzer?

Thanks, Jeremy Jalorpy

Dear Jeremy,

This is a question that a lot of people wanted answered by me, Marty Pulitzer. You may hear from some people that you have to find the right balance between spending time with friends and spending time with your textbooks. Well I, Marty Pulitzer, couldn’t agree less. You can’t have it all. You can’t even have it most. In life, you have to make choices. Are you going to be a guy or gal with a bunch of friends, or would you rather be a book? The choice is yours to make, not mine, Marty Pulitzer’s.

With regards, Marty Pulitzer

Dear Mr. Pulitzer,

Marty Pulitzer, I need some guidance. There’s this girl I like in a romantic kind of way, but I’m not sure if she feels the same way. Sometimes I’ll text her something casual like “what color underwear are you wearing?” and I’ll know she’s read it because she has read receipts on. Then she’ll respond that I need to stop texting her. So many mixed messages. How should I proceed?

Sincerely, Tommy Tilbroe

Hello Timmy,

Well if you need relationship advice, you’ve come to the right Marty Pulitzer. Assuming you’re not drafted to go fight the Viet Cong, then I, the incomparable Marty Pulitzer, know exactly what you must do. You see, kids these days are all hoity-toity about their smart phones and their smart watches and their smart shoes. Back in my day, if you wanted to know what time it was, you’d have to go ask your barber or your clock. Where did all the clocks go? I have no idea what time it is anymore. I just want to know when to watch Bill O’Reilly. Now that guy really gets the Marty Pulitzer lifestyle. Hope that helps, Tony.

You’re welcome,

Marty Pulitzer

We received so many questions this past week that not even Marty Pulitzer could answer them all. Here are a few of our favorite questions that we didn’t bother to answer. Thanks for reading, and check back in next time for more advice from me. My name is Marty Pulitzer.

Other questions:

• What do I do if I think my sister might actually be my mom?

• Do I have mumps?

• Why are my ears bleeding?

• How do I know if my culture is being appropriated?

• Why wasn’t an autopsy ordered for Justice Antonin Scalia?