Aries: You’ll pass everything, but your affair with your math professor will not boost your grade nearly as much as you hoped. When you two get coffee later that day, you’ll ask about it and they’ll say that they mixed you up with another person in the class who has your same first name. Your professorial fling of several months did not know your full name so that’s where you’re at right now.

Taurus: Because of your poor time management, you’ll spend the whole reading period studying for an exam and forget to write the 12 page research paper you have due the same day. You’ll find out about the paper less than 24 hours before it’s due, so you’ll spend that whole day trying to cram weeks worth of work into your schedule. As a result, you’ll fail the exam and write a super shitty research final. Nothing ever works out for you, huh?

Gemini: You probably failed everything. You haven’t actually gotten anything back yet but none of your professors will make eye contact with you, which, to be fair, might be because you have terrifying cat eyes.

Cancer: Every time you look at your syllabi to find out when your finals are, you go temporarily blind. You might have Conversion Disorder, but you weren’t able to study your abnormal psych notes enough to know what that is.

Leo: When you broke up with your last FWB, s/he claimed s/he would curse you forever. You thought that was a load of horseshit until you tried to write your final research paper and it ended up just being his/her name over and over again for six pages. Karma’s a bitch and so were you.

Virgo: YOU’RE 15 CUPS OF COFFEE IN AND YOU CANNOT TELL IF YOUR HEART IS JUST BEATING FAST OR YOUR EYES ARE TRYING TO LEAVE YOUR HEAD. YOU THOUGHT YOU SAW YOUR DEAD CHILDHOOD DOG SITTING IN TISCH TODAY.

Libra: You got As on all of your finals! Or at least that’s what it looks like; your one English professor doesn’t use Trunk so you can only assume that thing scrawled at the bottom of your exam is an A.

Scorpio: In a weird twist of fate, the final you studied the most for was the one you undoubtedly bombed the hardest. You learn later that this is because the brownie you scarfed down before your exam were your roommate’s ~special~ brownies. Thankfully, the brownie did wonders for you on your philosophy final.

Sagittarius: Yikes.

Capricorn: As an engineer, you’ve resigned yourself to Cs. When you get a B on one of your exams, you sob inconsolably for hours. This is the happiest you’ve felt in years. You realize how sad that is, and are immediately deflated back to your original state of resignation.

Aquarius: You’ve been hitting your head against your Econ textbook for 17 hours straight. Your rhythm is remarkably consistent and you consider joining the band Stomp.

Pisces: In celebration of your last final, you proceed to get trashed on a Wednesday night. You find out later that you had another final that you did NOT know about on Thursday, and your professor won’t answer your emails.