Aries: Econ major, but they took Psych 1 freshman year so they keep trying to diagnose you and you really wish they’d just shut up and do your taxes.

Taurus: Pre-Med major, Child Development minor. If they were Jewish your parents would probably pass out and beg him to propose after less than a month together.

Gemini: Double majored in German and Philosophy. They’ve dressed up as Karl Marx for five Halloweens in a row, and not even a very good Karl Marx costume.

Cancer: Psychology major, but they took Ec 5 freshman year so they keep trying to do their taxes and you really wish they’d shut up and diagnose you.

Leo: English major. Fully committed to the idea that suffering makes better art, so they routinely sulk at the lack of suffering and sorrow in their life.

Virgo: Film and Media Studies Major. Their favorite film is Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, and are writing their senior thesis on Wiseau’s impossibly unclear ancestry.

Libra: International Relations. Or at least, when you had tons of Skype sex when they were abroad in Thailand they called it International Relations.

Scorpio: Environmental Engineering, or more accurately, a well-researched pessimist.

Sagittarius: American Studies. They’ve climaxed to the “Wealth Inequality in America” video more times than from you giving them oral.

Capricorn: Community Health. You’ve tried to do roleplay with them, but it usually ends up with them in a Hazmat suit pretending to take you away after an Ebola outbreak. You try and stop them before they sew you into the IV.

Aquarius: WGSS (women gender and sexuality studies). You’ve been frantically reading their tumblr so as not to speak heteronormatively, cisnormatively, or any level of offensivity in between. You two have watched Blue is the Warmest Color 15 times this month.

Pisces: Biotech, and from reading through their computer you’ve discovered that they’re trying to build a robot to replace them as your S.O., because they are too nervous to actually break up with you.