Recently, a Panamanian corporation called Mossack Fonseca was found to be hiding money in offshore account for some of the world’s wealthiest people. These “Panama papers” have implicated billionaires including professional athletes, heads of state, and most importantly, Anthony Monaco, then-president of Tufts University. Monaco, in the wake of these events, has resigned as president. The leaks, exposed by international news companies such as the Guardian, the Zamboni, and the Huffington Post, showed that Monaco had been using offshore accounts to evade taxes, hide his collection of Bentley automobiles, and other more egregious crimes.

First off, the leaks showed that Monaco was profiting from the same offshore companies that various world leaders, such as the Prime Ministers of Iceland and the UK were involved with. According to our most recent estimates, Monaco was hiding upwards of $16.3 billion in order to evade taxes. “Honestly, we were a little surprised to find that [Monaco] was hoarding and moving around all that money, despite only earning less that $1 million per year,” said a Tufts University student. “I mean what we thought he was earning is still a lot of money, arguably more than he should have had, but it’s nothing compared to 16 billion.”

Additionally, Monaco was shown to have been acquiring janitors through DTZ, an infamous company known to source their workers through the Guatemalan slave trade and Mongolian human trafficking operations. “This is exactly what we were trying to tell people about, but no one listened,” said a Tufts Labor Collective spokesperson. “Do people honestly think that we would have been protesting over nothing but low wages and poor working conditions? I mean seriously, it’s as if people just assume we’re a bunch of crazy liberals who don’t understand basic economics. No, we’re just normal people who are against the literal enslavement of janitors. I honestly don’t see why people weren’t paying attention to this.”

Also included in the leaks were images of Monaco and various other world leaders engaged in sexual acts, drinking Natural Ice, and defecating on the US Constitution, covered in what appears to be solid gold. “I mean I get why people have offshore accounts and stuff; they’re greedy. But having an orgy and shitting on the constitution? Literally what the fuck?” said a Tufts professor. “We’re not just dealing with a thief and a liar, we’re dealing with a complete lunatic.”

The University is currently discussing how to rework the administration, and prevent these kinds of situations from happening again. “First off, we should make sure to get rid of anyone like Tony. Honestly, we probably should have seen this coming, given his previous record of being a complete fucking maniac,” said James Glaser, Dean of the School of Arts and Sciences at Tufts. According to Glaser, Monaco had been known to force employees to perform outlandish acts. These include dressing up like babies and sucking on his nipples for hours on end, keeping detailed logs of their gluten intake, and pledge their allegiance to the Almighty Lucifer.

The University will continue to work with the administration to repair the damage and move forward from these tragic times.