Aries- Sharon You hear all of the best high school gossip and aren’t afraid to share it. No mom knows more than you do about that OTPHJ Diana gave Sean at a 3pm showing of Inside Out. OTPHJ, or over the pants hand job, is the word you’ve had the most trouble with on your Urban Dictionary flashcard pack. Just be careful that your information sharing doesn’t get you in trouble. No more book club for you, bitch.

Taurus- Mike You are in your prime, so enjoy it! Don’t listen to your wife when she calls it a “midlife crisis” and  “reasonable grounds for divorce.” This is your time to enjoy the real treasures in life. Go start a band with your high school buddies! See if your whore niece will sell you some coke! Seize the day!

Gemini- Stephen Oh boy, you’re a real fuck up. How did you lose custody over the kids to their stepmom, you piece of shit? I can’t even give you advice. Go get some professional help.

Cancer- Tori Make sure you get your mammogram this month! You’re 40, so your boobs aren’t the perky little dog toys they used to be. And now’s definitely the time to start your long put off Screamo career. You can’t spell “chemotherapy” without “emo!”

Leo- Debbie Take the time to reflect on what’s important in your life. In the end, it’s not about hovering over your kids’ shoulders to make sure that they get into an Ivy (a good Ivy) and shrieking at them when they get a B+ on a test. It’s about doing those things, with love. Three of your four kids won’t be speaking to you, and that’s how you know they’re gonna succeed.

Virgo- Phil You know what? They’ve been mommy’s boys long enough, and it’s about damn time they buck up. This month is your time to shine as a cool dad. Five is the age to show him Superbad, and the eight year old deserves to know more about where the clitoris is than you did at that age.

Libra- Jen You are in desperate need of a girls’ night. Hire that sexually active 13-year-old Janine uses as a babysitter, ditch the hubby, and get your ass down to the bar! The louder you laugh and the drunker you get, the more you’ll forget about your inadequacies and the crippling fear that you’ve become nothing more than a domesticated housewife. You make better bagged lunches whilst super hungover anyway.

Scorpio- Dan Start thinking up more elaborate excuses as to why you’re home late from work. Just because you’re banging your secretary doesn’t mean you can’t use excuses other than, “I have to finish this spreadsheet.”

Sagittarius- Christine You’re probably sipping a huge glass of Pinot Grigio as you read this. Keep emulating Meryl Streep to the best of your ability, you beautiful disaster. And yes, it is time to break out the deep mauve lipstick.

Capricorn- Mark Keep commenting on your kid’s Facebook pictures. Their friends love it, you love it, the only person who doesn’t is the person you’re supposed to value over life itself. Write the comments as letters; letter writing is a lost art and only YOU have the power to restore it! Via the Internet!

Aquarius- Greg Alright, it’s time. You’re not up to date with the newest technological advancements, but you can’t keep using that flip phone like it’s not an embarrassment. Get an iPhone, hell even an Android. Anything that connects you electronically to the world around you while forcing your physical personhood to retreat into a 12-hour binge of Netflix and masturbating.

Pisces- Tina Yoga is back and better than ever. Join that Monday class so you can feel like you’re using your mom arms and post-Csection stomach for something important. Downward dog instead of downward self esteem! Sun salutations, not quiet desperation!