Fellow Moms, we’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s hard to feel like we still have the same perky hot bods we had in our twenties. Life is tough and things start to sag. You get a gray hair and BOOM, straight to Walgreens to buy that Garnier Fructis Honeycomb #33 dye. Well, my “homies,” there are only so many empty boxes of hair dye you can hide before your hubby starts to wonder if your locks are usually that shade of bumblebee-rectum yellow. Growing old also makes me SO “salty!”

So forgive my little humble brag, because I just have to share with you the most ah-MAY-zing thing that happened to me last week. I was out at the mall with my daughter Keighlynne getting our toes done—so embarrassing that it had been a whole week since my last pedi and I was starting to chip (I know, so “ratchet”). The kind young man at the reception asked if us “two sisters” wanted to take a seat! Well, babes, you can’t even imagine what a compliment that was to me! Here I was, worried the world would notice that my left nipple is now hanging two centimeters below the right, and I received such a life-affirming compliment! It’s no secret my Keigh is one of the most popular girls in the tenth grade, so WOW did I feel like such a hot “bae.”

What is the secret to being sexy at my age, you may ask? It takes a lot of upkeep to keep people guessing. But I realized, as my daughter a.k.a. twin sister (LOL!) explained, you just have to act like the kids and you’ll never look your age! My KeighKeigh filled me in on all the secrets of today’s youngsters.

So, my fellow PTA princesses, it’s time for us to get “on fleek” with the latest new trends. My daughter, whom I look as young and as blonde as, confirmed that the best bitches get their clothes at Claire’s—apparently the newest in ultra-chic wear. Miley Cypress is all over their new fall line, and you KNOW that’s good because she is the most popular young celeb out there. And yes, I know all of her songs!

You’ve also got to revamp that social media, girls! Don’t “nae nae” my suggestions! K-Bunz, who is basically just a less hot version of me, said that everybody who’s anybody has an Instagram, and if you’re not following the Kylie Jenbag lip challenge then you’re not fit to be a “trap queen.”

And Kei-g-h, who is just a shadow of how sexy I was in my younger days with her father’s chin, said that the most important way to keep a man is to “Snapchat” those nudies. So, girls, I know my hubby Mitch will be “liking” all those hot pics of my “vajazzling” after this weekend’s appointment.

So stay schmexy, stay hawt, and most of all, stay young!