Washington, DC- A recent study from Columbia University has shown a positive correlation between American citizens burning their breakfast toast and Obama. The study, led by Dr. Sec Ondamend-Ment of the Columbia Astrology department and published last month in the Primary Source journal, examined the breakfasts of 1,200 American families. The results showed that after the election of Obama, the likelihood of toast burning while in the toaster increased by 500%.

This new information comes as a shock and a relief to many Americans who have been struggling with burnt toast for several years. “I always had a suspicion it was Obama’s fault that my toast burned every morning,” said Buck Hammerville of Burgin, Kentucky. “I used to think that it was the gays or the immigrants, or maybe the fact that I set my toaster to ‘high’ and left the room for 20 minutes.”

Addressing the logistics of the study, Dr. Ondamendment notes that the results were replicated across three different sample groups to ensure accuracy. “All participants placed two slices of white bread, a truly delicious American product that has been unfair- ly targeted by the First Lady’s ridiculous and unfounded health initiative, in their American-made toasters. Incidence of burning was recorded and later compared to the Obama variable. Our very scientific results clearly show a link between burnt toast and some- thing Obama did.”