MEDFORD, MA—Where there once stood a beautifully dilapidated colonial house at 75 Ossipee Road, now only a charred shell remains. On September 29, first year Fletcher student Petunia Ogilvie set fire to her own apartment, citing irreconcilable differences with the wall color in her living room and bedroom.

One week prior to the incendiary incident, Ms. Ogilvie and her landlord, Igor Strauss, had discussed repainting during the apartment’s renovation. While she requested a nice eggshell col- or to go with her tan drapes and black bureau, she was horrified to find the space had been given a fresh coat of peach paint.

When asked about the traumatic incident, Ogilvie recounted, “So I walked in expecting a matte dreamland and all of the sudden it’s like BAM! Somebody threw up tapioca pudding all over
my walls or some shit. And it’s like, too close to beige for me to have complained, but like this really fucked with my overall color scheme. I felt like I was living in a Golden Girls-themed hells- cape!”

After a few nights with the “unbearable” walls, Petunia decided to take matters and matches into her own hands and give the apart- ment a scorched earth color scheme instead. On the night of the 29th, she gave all of her roommates, except for Linda Fink, plenty of time to evacuate the premises and then proceeded to reduce the house to a hollow, burnt out shell.

“Linda is a troll who doesn’t do her dishes. She won’t be missed,” stated all three of the surviving roommates in separate interviews. The Somerville chief of police seemed to agree, and has decided to press charges against Ms. Ogilvie for her act of arson only.

While neighbors are complaining about the smoking wreck, call- ing it an “eyesore” and a “hazard to children,” some local members of the community are viewing this event as an opportunity. Local meth lord Barry Davidson has expressed interest in converting the space into a local drug den for his homeless gang of addicts. “Our community has been look- ing for a space to call our own for quite some time, and we are excited about the opportunity to become a part of the Tufts family. The space has such a raw quality to it, and I really see a future for our drug culture to flourish in such a creative environment.”

When asked if burning down her apartment was worth the trouble, Ogilvie stated, “At least the prison walls are a soothing grey. That will definitely match my drapes!”

Zamboni reporters were unable to reach landlord Igor Strauss for comment on the tacky and retro-in-a-bad-way color snafu, as he is currently on a three week “family vacation” in Crimea.