Steven, a 7th grader, is having a tough time deciding whether he should go to Johnny’s bar-mitzvah, or Sarah’s bat-mitzvah. Become well-informed on both sides of the issue, and then email us at tuftszamboni.com to give us your opinion!

The Case for Johnny’s Bar-Mitzvah:

Yes, Johnny might be kind of a jerk. OK, he’s definitely a jerk, but it’s not like he’s ever been that much of a jerk to me. And we all know how how rich his parents are. His dad owns some kind of big company, I think it’s called a hedgehog fund or something. So that means his party will be really cool. Maybe they’ll even have that hot dancer that I got a crush on at Timmy’s bar-mitzvah. Remember? After downing 2 Shirley Temples, I got the courage to go up to her, and say “Hi.” Ok, maybe she won’t be there. But still, the party will be lit. They won’t just be playing Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga, they’ll be playing great songs from great rappers, like Flo Rida, Usher, and Pitbull. Plus, most of my friends have already decided to go to Johnny’s, except for Ross, because he didn’t get invited because Johnny thinks he’s a loser. But if I don’t go, aren’t I just as much of a loser as Ross? I heard Johnny’s friend Paul say that every boy who goes to Sarah’s party over Johnny’s is a homobisexual, and even though I don’t really know what that means, it doesn’t sound like it’s good.

The Case for Sarah’s Bat Mitzvah:

I barely know Sarah, but she seemed nice that one time in science class when she asked me if she could borrow a pencil. She even gave it back to me at the end of class! Of course, the main reason for going to Sarah’s bat-mitzvah is because I heard Ella is going to be there. There won’t even be too many boys there because of Johnny’s bar-mitzvah, so maybe I’ll get to dance with her! Oh, what am I thinking. That probably won’t happen. But maybe I can at least dance near her. And Ross will be going, so at least I’ll have someone to sit with on the bus from the temple to the party. Then again, maybe I’ll be seen as a loser. Or a nice and generous person for going with him! I’d have to make sure Ella sees.