A shocking new study conducted by Winnie the Pew Research Organization estimates that around 60% of middle school boys who claim that they had summer camp relationships are lying. Researchers from Winnie the Pew, using a sample size of 3,000 7th and 8th grade boys throughout the Northeast, conducted extensive research into the personal lives of these young teenagers, often stalking them or their supposed significant other on social media in order to come up with their findings. The margin of error is estimated at about 2.3%, meaning that there is a 95% chance that anywhere between 57.7 to 62.3% of middle school boys who claim to have “scored” over the summer are flat-out liars.

The study was proposed after Sarah P, a 13-year old girl from a Long Island middle school, had a crush on Jake, her 13 year old classmate, but heard that he had a girlfriend from his Jewish sleepaway camp. Having heard that Fred, a less attractive, socially awkward 13-year old boy, also had a girlfriend at camp, Sarah had reason to doubt that that Jake was telling the truth. Upon telling this to her concerned mother, Sarah’s mom, who asked to be called “Mrs. P.” called Winnie the Pew Research and demanded an investigation. Unfortunately for Sarah, the investigators found out that Jake was telling the truth, but Fred, as well as 60% of the other boys, were lying. “I just really had, like a major crush on Jake,” said Sarah, holding back tears.

In addition to Sarah’s disappointment, middle school girls around the country are infuriated by the findings of this investigation. Seventh grade math teacher Ms. Fulson announced over the loudspeaker that she stood in solidarity with the middle school girls against the toxic masculinity exhibited by the school’s boys.  She also encouraged the girls in her class to boycott the boys’ lunch tables, and wrote out word problems on the board involving detailed arguments between men and herself.

Much of the community, however, is not happy with Ms. Fulson’s harsh actions. Mr. Petrino, father of 12-year old Sammy Petrino, made an angry call to the principal’s office demanding that Ms. Fulson be fired for her protest. “The communist traitor Ms. Fulson’s actions are simply un-American,” he said proudly. “Why should all boys be punished for the actions of the 60%? I know my son has a girlfriend at summer camp. What’s that Sammy? She’s just a friend? Oh, c’mon Sammy. What’s the matter with you? When I was your age, I had five girlfriends, and I could have easily had five more.”

When asked how he felt about the controversies, Winnie the Pew CEO E. E. Ore, “We at Winnie the Pew are grateful that this survey has had far-reaching effects that has forced people to reconsider their perceptions of middle school relationships nationwide.”