After a tumultuous year for Lee Coffin, in which he was traded to Boston University by Anthony Monaco in exchange for draft picks and Ban Ki-Moon (see previous article), the sought-after Dean of Admissions has determined his future plans. He will not be heading back to Tufts, or renewing his contract with BU. Instead, as he says, he will be “taking his talents to Dartmouth.” He released a brief statement yesterday saying, “Dartmouth is an excellent academic institution, and I cannot wait to work with the excellent faculty and students there who are clearly of a higher caliber than any I have ever worked with. I also hear that when you are being inducted into Dartmouth’s staff, you get to do really fun bonding activities, such as “turning up”, eating vom-lettes, and swimming in pools filled with semen and other assorted substances. I can’t wait!” Coffin will reportedly sign a 3 year, 1 million dollar contract, but he first must pass a physical and a drug test.