It’s the question every dog and dental scientist around the world has been debating for the past several decades. Some poignantly argue that dogs do indeed have teeth, others have found critical flaws that has shoved this problem onto shaky ground. Two experts from Th e Zamboni Scientific Correspondence Exchange Program, have taken up the task of finally settling the issue once and for all. Figg Undswurge is a Swendish caninologist who has worked for years in his spare time on a hypothesis you don’t wanna miss. Greanth Kelling, the San Fernando Valley’s prophet of anti-dontalism, brings a fresh look on why dogs don’t have teeth that might just debunk the claim for good. Email us at tuftszamboni@gmail.com  to give us your opinion on the matter!

PRO (Figg Undswurge): So, I’m like 80% sure dogs do have teeth {I think [probably (maybe?)]}. Just to make sure, I asked my father/ human dentist, Dr. Swigg Undwurge D.D.S., if dogs had teeth, but he just spat in his spittoon and told me to get lost. Still hungry for answers like a wild boar huffing around ancient oak trees for black truffles, I had to do some investigating on my own. I called my aunt/psychic/knuckle reader/endocriminologist, Phyllis Wispingrast XI, to ask her. She invited to me her finca in Columbia for a meeting. Thirty-two hours and seven rickshaw rides later, I arrived and saw seven furballs on her porch. I asked her if those were dogs, but she said was that they were cats! Let’s just say I was pretty confused when I looked up pictures of dogs on Imgur. I went to the park near my house and tried to grab some dogs to take home and look at. However, in a twist in unfortunate events, the owners got mad at me and I had to leave.

CON (Greanth Kelling): It is an absurdity often stroked by academicians in their studies, and I will have none of it. Let us say, for the purposes of argumentation, that dogs have teeth; these dogs would need jaws strong and dense enough to carry them and to rend individual meat-units therewith; they would then need huge, heavy heads, like miniature T-Wreckuss, which would cause them severe neck pain in their old age; they would need robust healthcare plans which would allow them to visit their dentists every four to six months; and they would need separate shelves in their bathrooms for each family member to store their cleaning fluid. All of this is a gross absurdity; even in countenancing it as a thought experiment I find myself growing intolerably nauseous.