TALLAHASSEE, FL- A new women’s health clinic, The Papal Smear, was opened at the Atlantic Boulevard strip mall on October 26 with a ribbon cutting ceremony by local priest Father Harry Pink. The clinic is the spot for “devout ladies with sinful little flowers down there,” explained Pink, suiting up for his first appointment in full ecclesiastical robes and medical gloves. Pink’s setup functions as both a gynecological examination table and a confessional booth, with the Father performing all doctoral and pastoral duties from within the stall and its small snatch-sized hole.

When asked to describe a typical appointment Father Pink, who insisted we call him Daddy Pink, explained, “I start my appointments in the stall, and when a patient enters the room she sees a normal medical office and a big confessional box, from which I say, ‘Hello my daughter,’ and ask for her completed pre-exam questionnaire. I then ask her to climb on the table, undress, and shove her waist up to the slot in the confessional so I can, uh, examinate.” Daddy Pink has never attended medical school, but received high marks in a Divinity School class entitled, “The Bible and Feminism.”

The pre-exam questionnaire contains 10 questions, including “How long has it been since your last confession,” “On what date did your last menstrual cycle begin,” and “Rate your spiritual connection to your hymen on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being ‘My hymen is long withered away in sin.’” With no medical history or interest prior to opening this clinic, we asked Daddy Pink why he chose to open this practice. “I like to see the ladies,” he confessed.