You’re a student at a liberal arts school, desperate to fit in. The guidebooks all told you the best way to make friends was by keeping an open mind and joining new clubs, but let’s be real – it’s 2017. Your value is strictly determined by your social media capital. And the best way to rack up those sweet, sweet Facebook likes, especially at a moderate-size, liberal-leaning, premier school in the Medford-Somerville area, is to write vaguely political, anti-establishment statuses, without actually antagonizing any establishments on campuses.
You’ve read the criticisms about Greek life and, more importantly, the Facebook likes that they bring, but where else can you do keg shots on a Saturday night? Besides, those sorority photos where everyone has the same haircut get so many likes on Instagram. You may wonder whether to put a filter on your Facebook photo or how to craft the perfect caption for your Pride parade instagram (even though you called people gay in middle school). But The Zamboni’s got your back! Here are some quick tips for exploiting actual struggles for your personal gain.

• Share lots of political articles on Facebook, but never put your own opinion with them. There’s nothing less sexy than your own thoughts – instead, cherry-pick a few quotes that make it sounds like you read a lot. Even better, share an editorial from the New York Times with words like “powerful” and “salient.”
• After any national tragedy, make sure you’re the first person to post “thoughts and prayers,” or “why isn’t anyone talking about this?” (You aren’t either, but you’ve got a midterm tomorrow!)
• Catchphrases! Everyone loves catchphrases, from “Black Lives Matter” to “I Love My Sisters!” But make yours things like “both sides have valid points,” “Facebook is an echo chamber,” “well, I haven’t done my research on it,” and “Greek life at Tufts is different than at other schools.”
• Click “Interested” to every vaguely political sounding event on campus. You’re totally going to that protest on Boston Common, unless, you know, none of your friends are.
• And, if all else fails, just let everyone know you think racism is “like, totally, still an issue’” If anyone else calls you out on not doing anything to fix it, you can just call them racist in return.

With these tips you’ll be well on your way to getting a bid at Pi Rho and a barista job at The Rez. Because remember, it doesn’t really matter whether you care about social issues, what’s important is looking like you do on social media. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to post a photo from the Women’s March where my arms look good.