MEDFORD, MA- Parents are up in arms after the Medford Area Middle School’s politically correct magazine, The Viewer, published a tell-all article alleging rampant corruption in the school’s Student Council.
Last Tuesday, seventh-grade Secretary Miranda Harmon was caught embezzling from the Student Council’s Silly Bandz fundraiser. She was found out when one of her peers, who has requested to remain anonymous, saw Harmon stuffing several animal-themed rubber bandz, including the elusive unicorn band, into her Fuggs during study hall. She has since had her hall pass privileges revoked and is not favored for reelection this spring.
Treasurer Tommy Gillison was caught offering students PopTarts in exchange for their votes in the upcoming Student Council election. Sixth-grader Sara Meyerson says that she voted for Tommy specifically because of said bribery. She recently posted on her emo/personal-rant/soft-core-porn Tumblr, “ever since the stupid school board decided to replace all the good food in the vending machine with kale chips, I’ve been craving this stuff. Now that Tommy has been offering unlimited PopTarts in exchange for votes, I can’t help but feel like I’ve truly found a candidate I believe in. It’s just smart politics, if you ask me. But what do I know about government? I’m just in sixth grade.”
Perhaps the most egregious offense was discovered when the school janitor reported that the Student Council advisor, Mr. Royce Lemons, had been exiting the school building at the same time every day, and driving to a high school parking lot in Arlington. Upon further investigation by The Viewer, it seemed that the Medford Area Middle School Student Council had been actively working to install a puppet Student Council in rival Ottoson Middle School.
However, none of this is as shocking as the famous 2013 incident, when then-eighth-grader Jillian Gibraltar had to step down as Student Council Vice President after offering private Health Class tutoring sessions in exchange for votes. The district has since switched to abstinence-only education.