Middle School Presidential Race Heats Up, Students Beleaguered

News | April 16, 2017

With just ten days left before votes are cast, polls show a statistical tie between Angelica Bjornsen and Jamie Forsythe in the race for student council president of Jeff M. Foxworthy Middle School.

The lunch line questionnaire showed that both Bjornsen and Forsythe hover around 45% of the expected vote, with 6% answering “square pizza,” presumably confused by the purpose of the survey. Samples were drawn from both A and B lunch periods, when the 6th and 7th graders eat, but not C lunch because 8th graders are not furnished with ballots. 4% of those approached refused to participate.

These close results are expected to reinvigorate both campaigns in what has been a long and bitterly fought student council election cycle, tainted by rumors, polarizing rallies, and ostentatious bake sale fundraisers.

Many students longed for the fresh idealism from the beginning of the campaign, such as when Forsythe stood on a stool next to a trash can for her campaign announcement, pledging to bring more trash cans to the halls.

“Oh yes, I remember the Trash Can Speech,” said Grant Tilden, a 7th grader who has since grown jaded by his experiences with the institutional detachment of the middle school administrators. “It was so hopeful; I remember feeling that if we could all come together just once as a collection of students, we could have more places to throw out our trash. Now I’m starting to think this whole election doesn’t even matter.”

Asked for his take on the election, Principal Marlberry commented “This has been an exciting time at Jeff Foxworthy Middle. Both candidates are passionate and exceptionally qualified, and either would do a great job. But off the record, I am really hoping that Bjornsen wins. She’s so cool. She has, like, 4 ear piercings. I wonder how I could put my thumb on the scale. Have you ever seen the movie Election with Matthew Broderick and Reese Witherspoon? Nevermind, I need to go back to my office now and wipe up the cobwebs.” Independent investigations have confirmed that Mr. Marlberry’s office does have many cobwebs.

Despite the rancor, some have remained optimistic. Eager to share his opinion and see me write it down, 6th grader Andy McCarthy offered his hope for Forsythe. “I like that Jamie is an outsider. This is her first year in Student Council, and she’s already shaken things up. She’s not afraid to say what she means, like decrying the grotesque inequality of gym class dodgeball.”

Spokespeople from both campaigns declined to comment for this article.