Arlington, MA — New findings published this week in the New England Journal of Medicine have concluded a cutting-edge survey that determined with great scientific precision that waterbirths are disgusting.

The head researcher, Dr. Joeff Veochevsky, from Harvard’s Anthropology and Meteorology Lab, expressed great pride in the landmark study and its findings that he believes will prove staggering to the field of disturbing life choices. “We were actually shocked at the resounding conclusiveness of this research,” Dr. Veochevsky explained. “I mean, we set out with a hypothesis that it would be disgusting to give birth to your baby in your bathtub at home, but the rigorous regression analyses and double-blind questionnaires proved beyond any reasonable doubt that the practice is just gross. I mean that’s where they shower for goodness sakes. It just gets stained with goop.”

Some, however, were not as pleased about the findings of the study. Somerville resident, Marc Rownd, for example, bumptiously lauded the benefits of delivering a newborn child into water. “I read the study, and I think they are overlooking some key points. I was delivered by waterbirth, and I’m a really good swimmer. Like naturally. I was just exceptional from the get-go.” Although adamant about his extraordinary swimming capabilities, when pressed for his lap time, Mr. Rownd was less than forthcoming. “Well I don’t exactly remember. I don’t have an Apple Watch so I can’t time myself. But look, I’m fast, okay? Okay?”

We also briefed Mr. Rownd on Dr. Veochevsky’s remarks, at which point Mr. Rownd conceded, “Well that is true, you are bound to get some goop stains. Those still haven’t gone away. I think it’s quaint.”