13 Great Ways to Tell if Your Girlfriend is an Axe Murderer

Fun & Games | February 24, 2016

Oftentimes it’s difficult to tell if your significant other is just tired or recently took up killing as a hobby to begin gutting the population. This problem is especially prevalent for us guys, who don’t really understand what words are. Here are 13 surefire ways to tell if it’s time to dump the chump!

1. If your girlfriend is holding back her feelings and seems distant, it may be a sign she’s a mass murderer.
2. If she constantly tells you that she needs to stay late at work, it’s probably time to buy some hatchet-protective gear.
3. If she casually mentions how she “likes to watch blood pour out of victims,” watch out! But make sure she didn’t actually say she “likes to watch wood soar out of rectums”-that’s just a sign she’s a xylophiliac, a very common fetish.
4. Studies have found that left handers are 5% more likely to have murderous tendencies. Better safe than sorry; never date a southpaw.
5. Are you finding severed limbs around the house? Don’t just assume she’s been stealing mannequins from Macy’s!
6. If she tells you that she’s moving to Swaziland indefinitely to evade police on multiple counts of premeditated murder, it may be time to have a talk.
7. When your significant other begins writing how-to’s on the quickest way to kill a man with a tomahawk, you should consider bringing it up at the dinner table.
8. If she breaks eye contact when she’s sharpening her lucky hatchet, this is a major red flag! Everybody has to bring their axe to the whetstone every once in a while, but if she can’t even look you in the eyes while she’s doing it, where is this relationship even going? Time to break it off.
9. If your girlfriend starts to smell like a cologne that you don’t use, she’s probably a murderer. She must’ve gotten the smell from her victim. That’s the only explanation. That’s definitely it.
10. If she starts texting a number very frequently and stops responding to your texts, she’s been killing people. It’s… um…she’s texting her cleaver supplier! Totally.
11. If you walk in on your girlfriend fucking your friend Tom, it’s clear she’s an axe murderer. I mean, it’s obvious that Tom caught her in the act, so he blackmailed her into his bed. Right? Right? RIGHT?!
12. If Karen refuses to apologize for being caught and says that Tom has a bigger dick than you while you’re crying on the floor, she must have just caught mad cow disease from being around all those corpses. Besides, you and Tom have compared dicks before and yours is wayyy cuter than his. I heard size isn’t even that important anyway.
13. If Karen tells you she’s leaving you for Tom and that you’re the worst lover she’s ever had, call the fucking police. It’s time you lock this axe murderer up right now. Fuck you Karen. I’ll see you in hell.