VATICAN CITY – As per a decree issued by Pope Clement VII in 1599, a cache of previously-secret religious documents were released to the public last week, following centuries of debate over what institutional secrets could be hidden within their parchment pages. Dubbed the “Savior Papers,” the trove of declassified ancient Latin scripts have explained many oddities about the operation of the Vatican City itself. However, the documents also offer a glimpse behind the “Catholic Curtain,” the basis for some of the Church’s most staunch positions.
The job of the translation and preservation of the Savior Papers was delegated to a research team from the Università di Roma in Rome, Italy. The team released their second press release today, updating the public with newly-translated documents and some historical commentary. While the first press release issued two days ago held little information other than the explanation of the Swiss Guard’s uniform choice, today’s update offered insight into one of the Catholic Church’s most stalwart positions: their rejection of the use of birth control, based on what seems to be a health deficiency of Christ Himself.
The second series of documents released as part of the Savior Papers turned out to be the last remaining medical records of the Holy Child. A healthy young man, Christ had a remarkably injury-free childhood, managing to avoid any sprains, broken bones, or leprosies – all common ailments of the 00’s children. He did, however, have a notable series of allergies – perhaps a result of His unique circumstance of birth. Aside from peanuts, certain species of shellfish, and pine trees, Savior Papers 2:05 indicates that Christ also had an allergy to latex.
Dr. Alessandra Mantovani, the lead historical anthropologist on the translation team, told the Associated Pressin a recent interview that this allergy is almost certainly what triggered the Roman Catholic Church’s distaste for birth control. “Imagine,” she said, “why would early Catholics use anything that left their savior in boils? That was a clear indication of the Devil’s work, and so, all latex inherently became a Satanic symbol.”
The press office of the Roman Catholic Church was unavailable for comment.
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